Three months to go until the big 5-0 .. lessons learnt in 2024

My goodness, this life has gone quick. 

The 17 years that I was up north absolutely flew by. 

I don't usually give too much meaning to age numbers, even though I like birthdays. This particular birthday, I'm not sure if I'll truly feel like celebrating. 

Life absolutely broke me this year. 2024 has been a brutal year; so many people have gone through huge challenges. I'm no expert on astrological and energetic matters but there must have been something in the air the last few months.  

At the end of the tunnel there has been good and unexpected things happen for me; also there is the possibility of a new job which could see me move to a place I really love; nothing set in stone yet but I'm feeling optimistic. Sometimes there is a gut feeling about something - I had another job interview but I kind of knew I wouldn't get it. 

The biggest lessons I have taken are: 

Letting life lead or letting my higher self lead - some of you may have read a book called The Surrender Experiment where the 'hippy' author continually surrenders to life's perfection and ends up running a big IT organisation amongst other things. 

That I need to take small steps - for a long time, I have felt like I am far behind in life - being a late developer is hard and not something I would recommend - especially without suitable support when trying to function in a world that is so not catered for such people. But I continued to get nowhere when trying to get from A to Z.

Not everything is for me - It's easy for me to get entangled in a viewpoint or concept that my friends are into and think it should work for me. But some things just don't. Human Design goes way over my head. Books like The Celestine Prophecy and A Course In Miracles don't float my boat at all. Concepts around masculinity - such as Warrior, Magician, Lover, King - I think are good but they do not completely align with my character. 

That I needed to come to terms with my neurodiversity - Autism has always been a bit of a dirty word for me; still is to some degree, as someone who grew up in a time when it was seen in a negative light and when the needs of people like myself were not understood or catered for. In fact, it's more my ADHD tendencies that impact me day to day. But either way, my brain function is different to the majority of people (although the rate things are going, it will eventually be more common to be neurodiverse - not a good thing in my opinion). I agree with my friend who says a lot of it is brain damage - and yes I do believe my brain has been damaged somewhat. 

That I don't have to like everyone. Nuff said. 

That it's ok to have regrets or wish certain things had never happened - One thing I can't do is change the past. It happened. All I can do is rebuild. Whilst it's obviously possible to build good things from tragic situations - Andy's Man Club being one example (the founder lost his brother in law, called Andy, to suicide) - let's just say that a lot of us would change some of our past if we could. Life sometimes does give you more than you can handle, and that's a fact. 

Perhaps most importantly of all, I have learnt that I have to be true to myself. There have been times when I thought I was being really authentic and living a life that was suitable for me. Now I'm not so sure. Some New Age hippy practices, I'm not sure are for me now. It's so easy to get attached to a set of beliefs in order to fit in. Now, I want to build my tribe of people whose outlook really aligns with the outlook I have now. 

Image courtesy of gettythings.com

Trusting the process and the word 'surrender'

One of the most common words I've heard in both Christian and New Age circles is .. wait for it .. surrender.

In Christian terms it tends to mean surrender to God's will or to Jesus. In New Age terms I guess it means surrender to the universe, to life. 

The word 'surrender' is probably a bit of a cliche, but it does have some relevance to me. I like to stay in control of things, but for some strange reason, that has never seemed to work so well. Life sometimes has other plans - I would never have imagined how different my life would be now, compared to this time last year. And having had a complete mental fuck up/breakdown/psychotic episode, maybe it's now slightly easier for me to trust the process of life. Whilst action is important, the first thing I need to do is trust my inner guidance. 

Life tends to become a little more in flow when I do that. There may be times of stagnation and uncertainty .. when I first came back to Dorset, I was in crisis and didn't want to come back, but I knew this was the most viable option at the time. I'd spent 17 years building a life for myself up north and it was one of the best decisions I ever made - but even taking that into account, it's probably true to say that part of the reason I moved up north was to escape my old life. 

It was always fairly clear that I needed to do some healing work in the place where I grew up, but initially the intention was to eventually move back up north as that was where I felt my home was .. and I still have a lot of love for the north and look forward to returning there for a holiday. Dorset had actually never really felt like my home prior to me returning. 

But as time went on (and sometimes, the passage of time can eventually provide the answer), it became clearer and clearer that my inner compass was showing me to remain down south. The coast was a huge reason, as well as being nearer my family - in fact, the thing that really swung my decision was a day out in Hengitsbury Head, one of the most beautiful locations in Dorset without doubt. I hope to move nearer that direction in the coming months, which will be about 12 to 15 miles from my parents. There is also some coastline near there that I've not been a regular visitor to, which definitely appeals - I don't particularly want to stay in my home village, as much as I like it - it's just TOO familiar. 

I am looking for work and forging new connections, and there are certain things that will require my trust that they will have as smooth a process as possible. I don't know if I'll be so involved with any spiritual communities like I was in Manchester - that's probably another thing that I need to trust my inner guidance with. 

I am still trying to establish the right balance between surrender and taking action .. but right now, I feel like I'm where I'm meant to be. I'm not a big believer in making long term goals, or rather, making long term goals doesn't seem to work for me. That's a bit of an ADHD thing. 

Peace out.

Image courtesy of Printerval

The world of work from my perspective

I find the work world strangely fascinating - even if much of it is not suited to my personality. I'm the kind of person who gets stressed in jobs that the majority of people would not. I can also easily see the lack of authenticity in many work positions and sometimes wonder how people can go on for so long playing a role that isn't really them - although if one has children then I guess it's a bit easier. 

I also see the romanticism of the 'follow your bliss, do what you love' viewpoint. I will expand on that in a bit, but for now, all I'll say is that if this was easier, a lot more people would be doing it. 

THE 9 TO 5 WORLD IS GENERALLY NOT CONDUCIVE TO NEURODIVERSITY
I honestly had no idea until more recently as to how much my temperament has affected my progress in the workplace. Like the majority of people, I was conditioned to become a wage slave - and once you become part of that system, the harder it is to escape - which is undoubtedly deliberate. If the world was operating as it should, there would probably be little to no need for many of the roles in place today - such as fraud investigators, prison officers, maybe even counsellors. And there would certainly be less jobs that require being in front of a screen all day. 

MOST PEOPLE DO NOT LOVE THEIR WORK
.. Which is a big societal issue, probably bigger than most people think. A big part of the ridiculous booze culture in the UK is due to work, many visits to the doctor are due to work, many people are suffering due to the demands of their jobs. And this seems to have got worse since the big recession in 2008 - employers can get away more with treating employees like shit because 'they should be grateful to be in a job'. No, good treatment is a basic human right. 

NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME SKILLS OR CAPABILITIES
This is a big one which I wish more working class people would get into their heads. Many people resent their jobs and are (lets be honest) slightly envious of people on benefits, with a particular focus on the minority of people that are on benefits who get enough money equivalent to a full time job. Most of these people are unlikely to do much to make any big changes - because it's not easy to do so. But for some of us, even the more basic tasks such as looking for work can be difficult. 

WILL THINGS CHANGE?
The short answer is yes. The old work model is outdated and it is staggering that in the age of so much technology, that the majority of people are still in 9 to 5 jobs. There's no way I can see this continuing that way for too much longer. Covid - despite causing A LOT of damage to businesses - which was deliberate by the way; the governments would rather everyone is a wage slave to another person or having to claim benefits - did see some positive changes such as the increase in working from home, which I see as a positive. There are more and more online opportunities - and hopefully as we strive to create a better world, there will be more opportunities and support for people to follow their passions. 

FINALLY .. FOLLOWING YOUR BLISS .. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

Image courtesy of Flickr

Some of the self help books make it sound easy - 'follow your bliss and the rest will fall into place' kinda thing. This is misleading and potentially dangerous. It was absolutely devastating to be brought back to square one this year after I thought I was finally getting somewhere in changing my career. 
The truth is, following your bliss is not easy, in fact it's not easy even knowing what your 'bliss' is. The human mind is wired towards security and comfort and so most people will stay in the confines of a job. 
If, like me, your mind is constantly scattered and all over the place, you need to put in place a solid plan if you have sincere desires to change your life. And I'm still not at that point yet. 

The journey continues .... 
Peace

More thoughts on starting from scratch .. my 'great reset' of sorts

Here's something that will upset the truthers. I don't think that a great reset of some sort (done in a good way) would be a bad thing, in the long term. I also think that a 15 minute city, if it was done in the right way, could work well. 

The issue is more that those who think they rule the world want to pervert these ideas and make them into one big surveillance scheme, to name but one thing. Plus, in England (notice I said England rather than UK), the population density is very high and the reliance on cars is just as high, and it would be quite difficult to implement anything that would benefit the general population. 

And also - the initial process could and likely would be hellish - certainly if my own personal experiences are anything to go by. 

We get so used to living in a particular way and lifestyle, that when something comes to challenge our comfort zone, and not only that, but completely dismantle some of the things that we hold dear, it is a process that it is extremely unpleasant to go through, and one which I wouldn't recommend. 

On a wider level, it is obvious that big changes need to happen in the world. But it isn't going to come easily. And many people just want to stay as they are because they don't want things to get any worse. Which is quite understandable. But - there may come a time when life takes a sharp turn, and there is little or nothing we can do to stop it. 

I can't say how things are going to pan out for society as a whole. I just don't know. Some people keep mentioning Agenda 2030 and The Great Reset, and I do think there could be something big in 2030, but I don't know this - and I think it's slightly foolish for people to talk about certain things as if they are facts. This year, 2024, has been huge on an energetic level - so many people have been going through huge processes where they can no longer hide from themselves. 

WHAT A PERSONAL RESET CAN DO
Change starts with ourselves. Yes, I know this is a cliche, but we can't expect things in society to get better if none of us are facing our own shit. In a nutshell, a reset effectively strips away anything that is not real, and also helps us face what is real. It gives us an opportunity to see the ways in which we've been programmed, what we can and cannot change (and maybe I'll do a post on things we cannot change at another time). 

Image courtesy of Flickr

Also, it can give us a chance to re-evaluate what ticks our boxes and resonates with us, and what doesn't. One area where this is very relevant to me at present is that of spirituality and the spiritual community. It's so easy to belong to a particular group and blindly follow everything they do and be into exactly the same things, without really thinking 'does this really resonate with who I am at a core level'? We can even go along with things we don't enjoy in order to please others. When I was heavily involved in church, I was very obedient and went along with things that I would never accept now - such as playing the saxophone every single week unless I was away. But I think the point where I knew deep down that I was not entirely at ease with their way of thinking was when they seemed to fall in love with Nandos - a restaurant chain that has never been one of my favourites - and base part of their activity, perhaps even identity, round it. 
Not that long after, I had my first big identity crisis, and to cut a long story short, I left Christianity and the church. 

Anyway, back to the spiritual community. It's easy to notice the typical activities that people within these circles get up to, and to an extent, I do wonder if people just go along with some of them because they're fashionable rather than because it's something that they really love. 
However, I'm not going to lie. I love incense, sage and the like. And I like crystals, even though I'm not convinced that they offer lots of healing properties. They just look nice. And I love dancing. But other things, such as the festivals and quite a few of the healing modalities, are not my thing.

Once I integrate back into a spiritual community, I will be a bit more mindful of the things I choose to participate in. 

AN EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THING FOR ME
Not to deliberately rehash things I've already touched on in earlier blog posts, this personal reset has given me the chance (which I didn't have much choice with) to be brutally honest with myself and to start to work from a more solid foundation. Cause rather than symptom kind of stuff. 

I've based my entire life and identity around Christianity and then spirituality. Now I'm being more real about my neurodiversity - although I don't want to base my life around that .. but it's a bit more of a solid foundation to work from, as is learning more about PTSD and trauma. 

A breakdown is a horrible experience which I wouldn't wish on anyone; what I went through between March and June was absolutely horrendous beyond words. It's just that .. sometimes we need a massive kick up the backside to get our attention. 

Peace. 

Half way through 2024 .. what the heck has happened? 👀😅

The truth is, if I'd known how the first half of 2024 was about to transpire, I might have chosen to opt out. But there are certain things that give you NO choice - particularly if you want to get serious about sorting your shit out. 

My outlook on life has completely changed in the last few months. This is even more of a 'question everything' time than Covid was for me, in some ways. One of Neale Donald Walsch's books is called 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything'. So much has changed in my life .. 

In the space of five months, I've gone from:
Having a job to having no job. 
Living in Manchester to moving back to Poole.
Having an online relationship that I'd invested some hope and even money in (which was crumbling by early February) to being completely single again and really wondering if my last hope of a romantic relationship was completely gone now. 
Thinking I was going to go into some sort of spiritual business to having to completely rebuild career wise.
Being mentally reasonably stable to going completely off the rails for a little while. 
Thinking things were going to work out to having all my issues intensified. 
Being part of a large community in Manchester to losing that community and building new and existing connections down south.
Identifying as 'spiritual' to identifying as 'I'm not sure what my beliefs are'.
Having a completely different perspective of what 'inner work' is. 

As you may know by now, I don't do fake positivity or pretend I am super grateful when I'm not. 2024 has been a brutal, traumatic and pretty catastrophic year for me, and I know that many people have been struggling. Something has surely been in the air. For a little while, I had completely lost hope; all my issues were magnified and it was totally overwhelming. God had abandoned me, so it seemed. Some of the thoughts that came into my head were straight from the depths of horror. 

RESTORATION OF SOME HOPE
What has been made very, very clear to me is that unresolved trauma, particularly from childhood, has been essentially running the show for most if not all of my almost 50 years on earth, along with some of my neurodivergent brain functions. And also, just how serious this stuff was for me. There was not going to be any quick fix; no regression or hypnotherapy or Reiki or deliverance from demons was going to provide a magic cure. There was some big, big work to be done. 
Fortunately, I have maintained a strong interest in personal growth, mental health topics, some aspects of psychology, and how life's challenges can affect us. If there's something that can help me, I want to learn as much as I can about it that is useful. 
Two YouTube channels, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Tim Fletcher have been particularly helpful for me and given me some insight as to why I am the way I am and how complex trauma has played out in my life. At the moment I am listening to Tim's videos which are very insightful and contain years worth of knowledge and research and experience. I highly recommend both channels for people who are struggling with trauma and PTSD. 

LOOKING AT THE REST OF 2024 - WHAT NEXT?
The obvious answer is that I don't know what will happen during the next few months; there are times when life is completely out of our control and things happen whether we like it or not. However, I don't feel it's going to be quite so intense as the first half for me. I don't expect to be completely better by the end of the year, but I am taking small steps to helping myself. 

Charmouth in West Dorset, courtesy of Flickr

I always expected to move back near a coastline someday, but I wasn't really planning on moving back down south (although I had been thinking a bit that it could be time to be a bit closer to my family). It is good to be back near a coastline; I don't intend to stay in Poole forever but I do intend to stay near the coast and not too far from my family as things stand - and whilst I have to put a disclaimer in because I am fairly prone to changing my mind on things, as things stand I don't feel like I'll be moving back up north anytime soon. 

This year is partly about finding myself; looking back I can see that I wasn't being my true self in some ways. My connection to God and Spirit has changed - to be fair it's been bordering on non existent or completely non existent over the last few months, but I still expect to have some sort of connection going forward, whatever that may look like. 

Everything has changed for me; I am making a lot of inner and outer changes too. Life has taken me in a direction I wasn't expecting or even wanting, but I needed a big kick up the backside. 

Onwards and upwards. 

2024 - the year life changed forever - mental health and moving back down south

Hello everyone. For those that don't know me (and those that do), my name is Andy. 
For many years, I was involved in Christianity. That all fell apart in 2006. I moved away from my hometown and got involved with self-help groups and eventually the spiritual community. 
Life was usually a bit better during the 17 years I lived in northern England, although I had my moments. 17 years .. that went very quick. 

Fast forward to the beginning of 2024. I had enrolled on a course of sorts a few months ago where I was supposed to learn how to set up a soul centred business. I had also connected with a woman online, long distance. Life was going reasonably well. The previous year (2023) was one of my best. I felt like I was opening up and making some progress. 

Boy, how wrong was I! 

Image courtesy of Flickr

Two months or so later, my plans went up in smoke. I'd had a fairly tough month in February, and I kind of knew that the long distance relationship was in the balance, at best. I'd already paid for a plane ticket .. I rushed into things far too quickly, whilst still being enmeshed in the twin flame nonsense and thinking that God was bringing us together. The things that trauma can do to our brains when it comes to love .. 

On February 29th, I started feeling dizzy on the way home from work. It started whilst I was shopping in Unicorn, the excellent vegan supermarket in Manchester. I thought little of it to begin with, and half expected it to subside. But something in me kind of knew that things were not quite right. I drove home and had another dizzy spell. By the time I was almost home, I got worse. I parked up just in time, otherwise I would have crashed the car. I felt sick and my vision was going round in circles. 

Thank goodness my housemate and his partner were there at the time. 

That was the last day I worked at a job I'd been doing for just over 18 months. I 'manifested' the job just as I moved into Manchester - haha, a bit of spiritual terminology there. But I was initially grateful and enjoyed the first few months at the opticians and was getting on well with my colleagues. 

But it was fairly quiet and easy when I started, due to the hangover post Covid. Once things truly got back to 'normal', it got busier. I was always working on the front desk, and I don't think the boss ever really had any plans to change that. Even someone who I don't know that well said that it wasn't a good job for my personality. It did get pretty stressful. I later found out that my boss, who I seemed to get on well with, was not what I thought she was. I should have questioned her behaviour at times and her constant fall outs with people, but I always believed her side of the story. I don't think that job did me much good at all, at the end. 

My fear of death got triggered and a few days later, my mental condition rapidly deteriorated and thoughts I'd had about hell, wondering if I was evil and just sheer terror, came flooding back. I went to the nearest hospital but walked out in the end because I didn't think they'd be able to help me. That same day, I choose to go missing for three days, sleeping rough in a forest where no-one could find me. I wondered if I had gone to hell and this was it. 

I returned home. Friends and family were relieved that I had been found. But I was in a desperate state and I knew I wasn't going to be better any time soon. I soon ended the online relationship; it had become obvious that it wasn't going to happen. She wanted something which I couldn't give. We did chat for a bit after that but I had to go no contact eventually. It also became clear that the course I had been on was not suitable to me; I was out of my depth. And being honest with myself, I actually did have issues with some of the ways the coaching and self help industry operated - particularly the amounts that some people charge. I'm not one who thinks that acts of service should always be for free - far from it - and people who provide a good service should be able to live comfortably - but I think we all know that some people charge extortionate amounts which the service they provide isn't worth. 

I was not safe living in Manchester and had to come back to live with my parents in April. I was in a truly awful state when I first got there, I'd had the most sickening thoughts and experiences which I wouldn't wish on anyone; they have subsided somewhat, but I am still far from being well. 

I am currently looking into the subject of trauma and PTSD. I now realise how serious my issues actually were and how much I tried to cover them up through religion and spirituality. I really didn't want to face the darkest parts of myself - they are so intense and brutal. I've had to come to terms with the possibility that my issues are too much for me to ever have a loving romantic relationship. And I've got some work to do when it comes to career and money. It does feel like the universe has given me one of the toughest set of cards possible and I certainly wouldn't ever want to go through the same experiences in any other lifetime. 

It also feels like my mission for now is to do my best to face my stuff and recover from it as much as possible. My brain has never functioned well, really. And the religious and spiritual communities don't have the resources to deal with severe trauma and complex PTSD - neither does the NHS. At the moment I'm watching some very useful videos on YouTube and doing whatever else I can to feel a bit better. 

I'm absolutely devastated by everything that has happened and the move back down south meant that I have to start all over again when it comes to friendships. I do know a few people down here, but I am taking things slowly. I have isolated myself with only my parents being a constant, but I am hopefully meeting up with a friend on Sunday. I could hardly speak at one stage because I was so traumatised, and I don't really know what I'll be like socially, but I have to take one step at a time. 

Anyways, I will hopefully be able to update this blog on a reasonably regular basis. 

Peace out.