One of my biggest challenges .. the temptation to try and make up for lost time

I basically had to go right back to square one this year. Even before this, I'd been trying to make up for lost time, trying to get my stuff sorted. 

The hammer blow to my life as it was, was struck this year. Here I was, at age 49, with no savings, no job, having to return to my hometown which I didn't particularly want to come back to, big uncertainty, not really knowing where my life is going. Plus coming to terms with the fact that my AuDHD (autism and ADHD traits) have affected my life far more than I'd grasped. 

It was a brutal cocktail, really. It really was too much to actually contemplate my financial situation at times. Particularly as someone who has lots of ideas, creativity and knowledge .. but lacking in certain areas. No-one expects to get to almost 50 and have the rug completely pulled from underneath them, however often it may actually happen. 

2024, along with 2006, has truly been the most challenging year of my entire life. 

And all I can really do is just trust and surrender .. with all my limitations and the brain fog that sometimes accompanies me .. 

In 2006, I lost the job which to this day was the best job I've ever had. I ended up moving location the year after, which was the best thing I ever did. 
In 2024, I lost the life that I'd spent years building in the north of England. 

I'm still grieving that loss. 

And I guess partly that I'm looking for some magic solution which will earn me good money doing something I love. Which as yet, is elusive. Plus I'm still in recovery from the horrendous mental health crisis of this year, although certainly significantly better than I was. 

There's a lot of conditioning, particularly as a man, when it comes to work and money. And it feels like I have failed. 

I have lost time. There are areas of life I should have and would have developed in more, were it not for my somewhat faulty brain function. There's no doubt about that and it's something that can't be changed. To start again from scratch is hard, and feels like a very unusual journey-less-travelled kind of path. Whilst money on its own obviously doesn't make you happy, it isn't a huge amount of fun when you're getting very little money. Thank goodness I have been able to stay with my parents during the last few months. 

My ego wants to make up for lost time in a big way, and show life who's the boss. I also have to be aware of what I can do and what I can't. I guess I've wanted some sort of significance, perhaps to make up for feeling very insignificant for a long time. 

But again, all I can really do is trust and surrender. Trust that the right people will show up at the right time - because I certainly can't do this journey on my own. Trust that I will always have what I need.