Men and 'masculinity'

Let me start off by saying that I do not agree with any attempt to shoehorn any group or individual into a box of 'this is how this group/person should be and these are the type of behaviours that they should exhibit'. 

This has been done A LOT for men - in fact there's probably a case to say done to an even greater extent than for women, the evidence for this is that it's socially acceptable to females to be 'tomboys', but there isn't even a male alternative for tomboy. I think it's true that part if not the majority of the reason for this is that there is a lot more shame around men being typically 'feminine' than women being typically 'masculine'. The shaming of the feminine is, and certainly has been, fairly rampant in society. 

But this doesn't necessarily help men, particularly those who don't fit the mould of what society deems a 'real man', which is also the type that many women have been conditioned to view as a 'real man'. 

Just to put things straight, my take on a 'real man' or a 'real woman' is someone who is as connected with their true self as they are able to be and acts in accordance with that.

The spiritual community, and the 'truther' community in particular, is absolutely rife with stereotypes of a real man. Ie the type that loves physical work, is always strong and confident, a leader, willing to die for his country, works really hard .. and also doesn't display too much emotion (let's be real about that one). I've been called names by truthers who think that they are real masculine men but in reality have lots of unresolved trauma. 

Of course, there's nothing wrong with being confident, being good at certain things and achieving success in the workplace. The problem is when we think that ALL men should fit a certain description. 

And as for some of the so called relationship experts within the spiritual arena, you know, the type that think they are God's gift to women and think they have all the answers for men - don't even get me started.   

For those of us who don't fit the job description of a real man, it can be really hard. Sometimes I thought I was doing something wrong and that I needed to change. But I just couldn't. Rejection is really hard to deal with for men, and there is certainly less support readily available for men than for women. 

Image courtesy of Alamy

For a long time I felt like I was unlovable, and it didn't help reading books that say women don't like sensitive guys (although I don't believe this to be true now). Although women are not entirely blameless for the fact that it is still hard for a lot of men to display emotions - things may be changing now, but certainly a few years ago, if a woman was to write an article to encourage men to open up, it was always met with responses from men along the lines of 'I tried opening up to my partner but she didn't like it'. It's been drummed into so many of us that men shouldn't or don't cry, that crying isn't manly and you're a cissy if you cry as a man.  

Thankfully, there are women out there who encourage their men to be vulnerable when they need to. I am very grateful for this - such women are worth their weight in gold. 

But we still have a long way to go in a society that still seems to find it more socially acceptable for men to get into a drunken fight than to cry in public. Undoing societal conditioning is hard - but it is important - and I believe key if we are to see a better world, if we are to see women and children treated better. Repressed emotions don't help anyone. Anger is okay too, but as long as we repress crying, anger is more likely to be expressed destructively. 

Society's definition of a real man needs some tweaking. 

I would love to know your thoughts on this. 
Peace.