Three months to go until the big 5-0 .. lessons learnt in 2024

My goodness, this life has gone quick. 

The 17 years that I was up north absolutely flew by. 

I don't usually give too much meaning to age numbers, even though I like birthdays. This particular birthday, I'm not sure if I'll truly feel like celebrating. 

Life absolutely broke me this year. 2024 has been a brutal year; so many people have gone through huge challenges. I'm no expert on astrological and energetic matters but there must have been something in the air the last few months.  

At the end of the tunnel there has been good and unexpected things happen for me; also there is the possibility of a new job which could see me move to a place I really love; nothing set in stone yet but I'm feeling optimistic. Sometimes there is a gut feeling about something - I had another job interview but I kind of knew I wouldn't get it. 

The biggest lessons I have taken are: 

Letting life lead or letting my higher self lead - some of you may have read a book called The Surrender Experiment where the 'hippy' author continually surrenders to life's perfection and ends up running a big IT organisation amongst other things. 

That I need to take small steps - for a long time, I have felt like I am far behind in life - being a late developer is hard and not something I would recommend - especially without suitable support when trying to function in a world that is so not catered for such people. But I continued to get nowhere when trying to get from A to Z.

Not everything is for me - It's easy for me to get entangled in a viewpoint or concept that my friends are into and think it should work for me. But some things just don't. Human Design goes way over my head. Books like The Celestine Prophecy and A Course In Miracles don't float my boat at all. Concepts around masculinity - such as Warrior, Magician, Lover, King - I think are good but they do not completely align with my character. 

That I needed to come to terms with my neurodiversity - Autism has always been a bit of a dirty word for me; still is to some degree, as someone who grew up in a time when it was seen in a negative light and when the needs of people like myself were not understood or catered for. In fact, it's more my ADHD tendencies that impact me day to day. But either way, my brain function is different to the majority of people (although the rate things are going, it will eventually be more common to be neurodiverse - not a good thing in my opinion). I agree with my friend who says a lot of it is brain damage - and yes I do believe my brain has been damaged somewhat. 

That I don't have to like everyone. Nuff said. 

That it's ok to have regrets or wish certain things had never happened - One thing I can't do is change the past. It happened. All I can do is rebuild. Whilst it's obviously possible to build good things from tragic situations - Andy's Man Club being one example (the founder lost his brother in law, called Andy, to suicide) - let's just say that a lot of us would change some of our past if we could. Life sometimes does give you more than you can handle, and that's a fact. 

Perhaps most importantly of all, I have learnt that I have to be true to myself. There have been times when I thought I was being really authentic and living a life that was suitable for me. Now I'm not so sure. Some New Age hippy practices, I'm not sure are for me now. It's so easy to get attached to a set of beliefs in order to fit in. Now, I want to build my tribe of people whose outlook really aligns with the outlook I have now. 

Image courtesy of gettythings.com

The world of work from my perspective

I find the work world strangely fascinating - even if much of it is not suited to my personality. I'm the kind of person who gets stressed in jobs that the majority of people would not. I can also easily see the lack of authenticity in many work positions and sometimes wonder how people can go on for so long playing a role that isn't really them - although if one has children then I guess it's a bit easier. 

I also see the romanticism of the 'follow your bliss, do what you love' viewpoint. I will expand on that in a bit, but for now, all I'll say is that if this was easier, a lot more people would be doing it. 

THE 9 TO 5 WORLD IS GENERALLY NOT CONDUCIVE TO NEURODIVERSITY
I honestly had no idea until more recently as to how much my temperament has affected my progress in the workplace. Like the majority of people, I was conditioned to become a wage slave - and once you become part of that system, the harder it is to escape - which is undoubtedly deliberate. If the world was operating as it should, there would probably be little to no need for many of the roles in place today - such as fraud investigators, prison officers, maybe even counsellors. And there would certainly be less jobs that require being in front of a screen all day. 

MOST PEOPLE DO NOT LOVE THEIR WORK
.. Which is a big societal issue, probably bigger than most people think. A big part of the ridiculous booze culture in the UK is due to work, many visits to the doctor are due to work, many people are suffering due to the demands of their jobs. And this seems to have got worse since the big recession in 2008 - employers can get away more with treating employees like shit because 'they should be grateful to be in a job'. No, good treatment is a basic human right. 

NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME SKILLS OR CAPABILITIES
This is a big one which I wish more working class people would get into their heads. Many people resent their jobs and are (lets be honest) slightly envious of people on benefits, with a particular focus on the minority of people that are on benefits who get enough money equivalent to a full time job. Most of these people are unlikely to do much to make any big changes - because it's not easy to do so. But for some of us, even the more basic tasks such as looking for work can be difficult. 

WILL THINGS CHANGE?
The short answer is yes. The old work model is outdated and it is staggering that in the age of so much technology, that the majority of people are still in 9 to 5 jobs. There's no way I can see this continuing that way for too much longer. Covid - despite causing A LOT of damage to businesses - which was deliberate by the way; the governments would rather everyone is a wage slave to another person or having to claim benefits - did see some positive changes such as the increase in working from home, which I see as a positive. There are more and more online opportunities - and hopefully as we strive to create a better world, there will be more opportunities and support for people to follow their passions. 

FINALLY .. FOLLOWING YOUR BLISS .. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

Image courtesy of Flickr

Some of the self help books make it sound easy - 'follow your bliss and the rest will fall into place' kinda thing. This is misleading and potentially dangerous. It was absolutely devastating to be brought back to square one this year after I thought I was finally getting somewhere in changing my career. 
The truth is, following your bliss is not easy, in fact it's not easy even knowing what your 'bliss' is. The human mind is wired towards security and comfort and so most people will stay in the confines of a job. 
If, like me, your mind is constantly scattered and all over the place, you need to put in place a solid plan if you have sincere desires to change your life. And I'm still not at that point yet. 

The journey continues .... 
Peace

Men and 'masculinity'

Let me start off by saying that I do not agree with any attempt to shoehorn any group or individual into a box of 'this is how this group/person should be and these are the type of behaviours that they should exhibit'. 

This has been done A LOT for men - in fact there's probably a case to say done to an even greater extent than for women, the evidence for this is that it's socially acceptable to females to be 'tomboys', but there isn't even a male alternative for tomboy. I think it's true that part if not the majority of the reason for this is that there is a lot more shame around men being typically 'feminine' than women being typically 'masculine'. The shaming of the feminine is, and certainly has been, fairly rampant in society. 

But this doesn't necessarily help men, particularly those who don't fit the mould of what society deems a 'real man', which is also the type that many women have been conditioned to view as a 'real man'. 

Just to put things straight, my take on a 'real man' or a 'real woman' is someone who is as connected with their true self as they are able to be and acts in accordance with that.

The spiritual community, and the 'truther' community in particular, is absolutely rife with stereotypes of a real man. Ie the type that loves physical work, is always strong and confident, a leader, willing to die for his country, works really hard .. and also doesn't display too much emotion (let's be real about that one). I've been called names by truthers who think that they are real masculine men but in reality have lots of unresolved trauma. 

Of course, there's nothing wrong with being confident, being good at certain things and achieving success in the workplace. The problem is when we think that ALL men should fit a certain description. 

And as for some of the so called relationship experts within the spiritual arena, you know, the type that think they are God's gift to women and think they have all the answers for men - don't even get me started.   

For those of us who don't fit the job description of a real man, it can be really hard. Sometimes I thought I was doing something wrong and that I needed to change. But I just couldn't. Rejection is really hard to deal with for men, and there is certainly less support readily available for men than for women. 

Image courtesy of Alamy

For a long time I felt like I was unlovable, and it didn't help reading books that say women don't like sensitive guys (although I don't believe this to be true now). Although women are not entirely blameless for the fact that it is still hard for a lot of men to display emotions - things may be changing now, but certainly a few years ago, if a woman was to write an article to encourage men to open up, it was always met with responses from men along the lines of 'I tried opening up to my partner but she didn't like it'. It's been drummed into so many of us that men shouldn't or don't cry, that crying isn't manly and you're a cissy if you cry as a man.  

Thankfully, there are women out there who encourage their men to be vulnerable when they need to. I am very grateful for this - such women are worth their weight in gold. 

But we still have a long way to go in a society that still seems to find it more socially acceptable for men to get into a drunken fight than to cry in public. Undoing societal conditioning is hard - but it is important - and I believe key if we are to see a better world, if we are to see women and children treated better. Repressed emotions don't help anyone. Anger is okay too, but as long as we repress crying, anger is more likely to be expressed destructively. 

Society's definition of a real man needs some tweaking. 

I would love to know your thoughts on this. 
Peace.

More thoughts on starting from scratch .. my 'great reset' of sorts

Here's something that will upset the truthers. I don't think that a great reset of some sort (done in a good way) would be a bad thing, in the long term. I also think that a 15 minute city, if it was done in the right way, could work well. 

The issue is more that those who think they rule the world want to pervert these ideas and make them into one big surveillance scheme, to name but one thing. Plus, in England (notice I said England rather than UK), the population density is very high and the reliance on cars is just as high, and it would be quite difficult to implement anything that would benefit the general population. 

And also - the initial process could and likely would be hellish - certainly if my own personal experiences are anything to go by. 

We get so used to living in a particular way and lifestyle, that when something comes to challenge our comfort zone, and not only that, but completely dismantle some of the things that we hold dear, it is a process that it is extremely unpleasant to go through, and one which I wouldn't recommend. 

On a wider level, it is obvious that big changes need to happen in the world. But it isn't going to come easily. And many people just want to stay as they are because they don't want things to get any worse. Which is quite understandable. But - there may come a time when life takes a sharp turn, and there is little or nothing we can do to stop it. 

I can't say how things are going to pan out for society as a whole. I just don't know. Some people keep mentioning Agenda 2030 and The Great Reset, and I do think there could be something big in 2030, but I don't know this - and I think it's slightly foolish for people to talk about certain things as if they are facts. This year, 2024, has been huge on an energetic level - so many people have been going through huge processes where they can no longer hide from themselves. 

WHAT A PERSONAL RESET CAN DO
Change starts with ourselves. Yes, I know this is a cliche, but we can't expect things in society to get better if none of us are facing our own shit. In a nutshell, a reset effectively strips away anything that is not real, and also helps us face what is real. It gives us an opportunity to see the ways in which we've been programmed, what we can and cannot change (and maybe I'll do a post on things we cannot change at another time). 

Image courtesy of Flickr

Also, it can give us a chance to re-evaluate what ticks our boxes and resonates with us, and what doesn't. One area where this is very relevant to me at present is that of spirituality and the spiritual community. It's so easy to belong to a particular group and blindly follow everything they do and be into exactly the same things, without really thinking 'does this really resonate with who I am at a core level'? We can even go along with things we don't enjoy in order to please others. When I was heavily involved in church, I was very obedient and went along with things that I would never accept now - such as playing the saxophone every single week unless I was away. But I think the point where I knew deep down that I was not entirely at ease with their way of thinking was when they seemed to fall in love with Nandos - a restaurant chain that has never been one of my favourites - and base part of their activity, perhaps even identity, round it. 
Not that long after, I had my first big identity crisis, and to cut a long story short, I left Christianity and the church. 

Anyway, back to the spiritual community. It's easy to notice the typical activities that people within these circles get up to, and to an extent, I do wonder if people just go along with some of them because they're fashionable rather than because it's something that they really love. 
However, I'm not going to lie. I love incense, sage and the like. And I like crystals, even though I'm not convinced that they offer lots of healing properties. They just look nice. And I love dancing. But other things, such as the festivals and quite a few of the healing modalities, are not my thing.

Once I integrate back into a spiritual community, I will be a bit more mindful of the things I choose to participate in. 

AN EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THING FOR ME
Not to deliberately rehash things I've already touched on in earlier blog posts, this personal reset has given me the chance (which I didn't have much choice with) to be brutally honest with myself and to start to work from a more solid foundation. Cause rather than symptom kind of stuff. 

I've based my entire life and identity around Christianity and then spirituality. Now I'm being more real about my neurodiversity - although I don't want to base my life around that .. but it's a bit more of a solid foundation to work from, as is learning more about PTSD and trauma. 

A breakdown is a horrible experience which I wouldn't wish on anyone; what I went through between March and June was absolutely horrendous beyond words. It's just that .. sometimes we need a massive kick up the backside to get our attention. 

Peace. 

Who am I, really? Attempting to 'go back to my roots'

As I write this, I am sitting in Costa listening to some classical music on my headphones. Whilst much has changed during my lifetime - way more than I could have anticipated - one thing that has remained almost constant (apart from a period during my teenage years) is my love for classical music. 

It's something I grew up with, and I consider it to be a part of who I am. 

And I would even put football into this category. I didn't properly get into football until I was 12, but it has been a constant part of my life since then and in some ways has kept me going at times when I've been at my worst. I found it hard to listen to music during the early part of my 2024 initiation, but I still watched football matches and videos. 

And I ask myself, are these things any less 'spiritual' than cacao ceremonies, meditation and yoga? 

Also travelling is a big, big part of my life. The majority of my travelling and sightseeing has been taken in the UK, which is a very beautiful part of the world. I didn't get into exploring until (I think) my late teens, but it is very much a part of who and what I am. 

These are all external things, and they're a good place to start. But the bigger question remains - what actually is my authentic self? What is my unique soul expression to this world? 

Image courtesy of Bruce Ashford

A dark night of the soul has the capacity to weed out things that are not in complete alignment with our values and true selves, but then it can leave us in a state of 'I don't know who I am anymore'. I thought I'd found my true self on more than one occasion, and right now I feel somewhat discombobulated as I am faced with myself as a child and the impact adverse circumstances had on my life. 

'This quiet, shy person .. with autistic and ADHD tendencies .. is that really me?'
'What things am I really into when it comes to community, spirituality and the like?'

The truth is, whilst I have been a little disillusioned with the spiritual community as a whole and have taken a step back from it, I am missing some aspects of it. And when I do become more involved with such communities again, I intend to find the things that really suit me. 

And maybe the aspects of my character that have been so difficult to deal with in this world have a deeper meaning to them which will become clearer as I continue to work with the accumulated trauma and grief that has caused my life to be a bit of a car crash. 

GOING BACK TO WHERE MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD TOOK PLACE
Dorset is a very beautiful part of the country, no doubt about it. But coming back here (for now) is bitter sweet. It has never truly felt like my home, and I was never homesick, not for one second, during the 17 years I was living up north. But I do have times of homesickness here. The north of England is where I made my home. I said in a previous blog post that I'm prone to change my mind on things - right now I am hoping to return up north in the next year or two. 

But I do believe that it was part of the 'divine plan', if there is such a thing, for me to come back here for a bit. It's a part of going back to my roots. As some of you may know, I was born in Manchester but moved down south when I was nearly 5 - and Dorset is the place where most of my childhood memories are. 

WHAT DOES 'GOING BACK TO MY ROOTS' MEAN TO ME?
Of course, I have to put the song by Odyssey on as I write this.

Image courtesy of Adamy

I have no idea what my ancestral lineage roots are and what beliefs they had, and probably never will. My parents are Christian, but I left that religion a while back and it's not part of me now. The place I am starting with is my childhood and taking it from there. Music and football have always been massive hobbies of mine and I think I've probably always been a traveller at heart, even though I didn't discover this until a bit later. 
It's a popular philosophy that our difficult aspects have treasures hidden within them, and I believe there is truth to this. The place for me to start is my childhood, because that's where most of our imprinting and views of the world take place. Obviously, we have to grow up and become adults as well, but going to the things that have been a big part of my life and taking it from there, is kind of where I'm at right now. 

Hope this makes sense. 
Peace out.