Three months to go until the big 5-0 .. lessons learnt in 2024

My goodness, this life has gone quick. 

The 17 years that I was up north absolutely flew by. 

I don't usually give too much meaning to age numbers, even though I like birthdays. This particular birthday, I'm not sure if I'll truly feel like celebrating. 

Life absolutely broke me this year. 2024 has been a brutal year; so many people have gone through huge challenges. I'm no expert on astrological and energetic matters but there must have been something in the air the last few months.  

At the end of the tunnel there has been good and unexpected things happen for me; also there is the possibility of a new job which could see me move to a place I really love; nothing set in stone yet but I'm feeling optimistic. Sometimes there is a gut feeling about something - I had another job interview but I kind of knew I wouldn't get it. 

The biggest lessons I have taken are: 

Letting life lead or letting my higher self lead - some of you may have read a book called The Surrender Experiment where the 'hippy' author continually surrenders to life's perfection and ends up running a big IT organisation amongst other things. 

That I need to take small steps - for a long time, I have felt like I am far behind in life - being a late developer is hard and not something I would recommend - especially without suitable support when trying to function in a world that is so not catered for such people. But I continued to get nowhere when trying to get from A to Z.

Not everything is for me - It's easy for me to get entangled in a viewpoint or concept that my friends are into and think it should work for me. But some things just don't. Human Design goes way over my head. Books like The Celestine Prophecy and A Course In Miracles don't float my boat at all. Concepts around masculinity - such as Warrior, Magician, Lover, King - I think are good but they do not completely align with my character. 

That I needed to come to terms with my neurodiversity - Autism has always been a bit of a dirty word for me; still is to some degree, as someone who grew up in a time when it was seen in a negative light and when the needs of people like myself were not understood or catered for. In fact, it's more my ADHD tendencies that impact me day to day. But either way, my brain function is different to the majority of people (although the rate things are going, it will eventually be more common to be neurodiverse - not a good thing in my opinion). I agree with my friend who says a lot of it is brain damage - and yes I do believe my brain has been damaged somewhat. 

That I don't have to like everyone. Nuff said. 

That it's ok to have regrets or wish certain things had never happened - One thing I can't do is change the past. It happened. All I can do is rebuild. Whilst it's obviously possible to build good things from tragic situations - Andy's Man Club being one example (the founder lost his brother in law, called Andy, to suicide) - let's just say that a lot of us would change some of our past if we could. Life sometimes does give you more than you can handle, and that's a fact. 

Perhaps most importantly of all, I have learnt that I have to be true to myself. There have been times when I thought I was being really authentic and living a life that was suitable for me. Now I'm not so sure. Some New Age hippy practices, I'm not sure are for me now. It's so easy to get attached to a set of beliefs in order to fit in. Now, I want to build my tribe of people whose outlook really aligns with the outlook I have now. 

Image courtesy of gettythings.com

Long term isolation is not a good thing

Okay. So I have a bit of a confession to make. Actually, it's not really a confession. But, as someone who made quite a bit of an effort to connect with communities whilst I was living up north, and who was aware of the importance of connection - when I first moved back down south in April, I didn't socialise for two months. I was totally floored as wave after wave of trauma and living hell came relentlessly upon me. My life appeared to be completely over and I was engulfed in darkness. The only people I really spoke to were my parents. 

A key part of me starting to feel a little better has been seeing people again. The first person I met up with was one of the Manchester community who has moved back to Bournemouth for a bit. And I've slowly been meeting various people who I had connections with. It's definitely not the same as in Manchester, where there is a huge spiritual community and so much going on. The friends I currently have down here are scattered throughout the local area. 

But I feel that it's a good thing in some ways. It's easy for me when I'm heavily involved in certain communities to have practically all my friends from those particular groups and feel like I should base my friendships around my beliefs. There's quotes like 'you become like the 5 people you spend time with' and this can easily be used as a way to discard people from your friendship group.

Right now, it's important for me to have a bit of variety when it comes to friendship.

But back to my original point. The best thing you can do to help you through a mental health crisis is to connect with people. Even if it's one or two people a month. We are social beings and are not meant to be isolated. There's good reason why the governments tried to isolate people during 2020 and 2021 - and it wasn't because of a virus which definitely existed but was also definitely exaggerated - I saw irrefutable, concrete evidence of that with my own eyes. It was absolutely criminal what they did. Sweden got it right - end of story. 

Isolation is painful. There's nothing wrong with a bit of solitude for a little while, and sometimes that might even be necessary. When your mind is so f*kkked that you're bordering on psychotic (and psychotic episodes are pretty scary), it's unrealistic to expect to be up to socialising. Emergency help may be required during these times. 

But when possible, connect, connect, connect. 

That is all. 

Image courtesy of Global Values Alliance

More thoughts on starting from scratch .. my 'great reset' of sorts

Here's something that will upset the truthers. I don't think that a great reset of some sort (done in a good way) would be a bad thing, in the long term. I also think that a 15 minute city, if it was done in the right way, could work well. 

The issue is more that those who think they rule the world want to pervert these ideas and make them into one big surveillance scheme, to name but one thing. Plus, in England (notice I said England rather than UK), the population density is very high and the reliance on cars is just as high, and it would be quite difficult to implement anything that would benefit the general population. 

And also - the initial process could and likely would be hellish - certainly if my own personal experiences are anything to go by. 

We get so used to living in a particular way and lifestyle, that when something comes to challenge our comfort zone, and not only that, but completely dismantle some of the things that we hold dear, it is a process that it is extremely unpleasant to go through, and one which I wouldn't recommend. 

On a wider level, it is obvious that big changes need to happen in the world. But it isn't going to come easily. And many people just want to stay as they are because they don't want things to get any worse. Which is quite understandable. But - there may come a time when life takes a sharp turn, and there is little or nothing we can do to stop it. 

I can't say how things are going to pan out for society as a whole. I just don't know. Some people keep mentioning Agenda 2030 and The Great Reset, and I do think there could be something big in 2030, but I don't know this - and I think it's slightly foolish for people to talk about certain things as if they are facts. This year, 2024, has been huge on an energetic level - so many people have been going through huge processes where they can no longer hide from themselves. 

WHAT A PERSONAL RESET CAN DO
Change starts with ourselves. Yes, I know this is a cliche, but we can't expect things in society to get better if none of us are facing our own shit. In a nutshell, a reset effectively strips away anything that is not real, and also helps us face what is real. It gives us an opportunity to see the ways in which we've been programmed, what we can and cannot change (and maybe I'll do a post on things we cannot change at another time). 

Image courtesy of Flickr

Also, it can give us a chance to re-evaluate what ticks our boxes and resonates with us, and what doesn't. One area where this is very relevant to me at present is that of spirituality and the spiritual community. It's so easy to belong to a particular group and blindly follow everything they do and be into exactly the same things, without really thinking 'does this really resonate with who I am at a core level'? We can even go along with things we don't enjoy in order to please others. When I was heavily involved in church, I was very obedient and went along with things that I would never accept now - such as playing the saxophone every single week unless I was away. But I think the point where I knew deep down that I was not entirely at ease with their way of thinking was when they seemed to fall in love with Nandos - a restaurant chain that has never been one of my favourites - and base part of their activity, perhaps even identity, round it. 
Not that long after, I had my first big identity crisis, and to cut a long story short, I left Christianity and the church. 

Anyway, back to the spiritual community. It's easy to notice the typical activities that people within these circles get up to, and to an extent, I do wonder if people just go along with some of them because they're fashionable rather than because it's something that they really love. 
However, I'm not going to lie. I love incense, sage and the like. And I like crystals, even though I'm not convinced that they offer lots of healing properties. They just look nice. And I love dancing. But other things, such as the festivals and quite a few of the healing modalities, are not my thing.

Once I integrate back into a spiritual community, I will be a bit more mindful of the things I choose to participate in. 

AN EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THING FOR ME
Not to deliberately rehash things I've already touched on in earlier blog posts, this personal reset has given me the chance (which I didn't have much choice with) to be brutally honest with myself and to start to work from a more solid foundation. Cause rather than symptom kind of stuff. 

I've based my entire life and identity around Christianity and then spirituality. Now I'm being more real about my neurodiversity - although I don't want to base my life around that .. but it's a bit more of a solid foundation to work from, as is learning more about PTSD and trauma. 

A breakdown is a horrible experience which I wouldn't wish on anyone; what I went through between March and June was absolutely horrendous beyond words. It's just that .. sometimes we need a massive kick up the backside to get our attention. 

Peace. 

Who am I, really? Attempting to 'go back to my roots'

As I write this, I am sitting in Costa listening to some classical music on my headphones. Whilst much has changed during my lifetime - way more than I could have anticipated - one thing that has remained almost constant (apart from a period during my teenage years) is my love for classical music. 

It's something I grew up with, and I consider it to be a part of who I am. 

And I would even put football into this category. I didn't properly get into football until I was 12, but it has been a constant part of my life since then and in some ways has kept me going at times when I've been at my worst. I found it hard to listen to music during the early part of my 2024 initiation, but I still watched football matches and videos. 

And I ask myself, are these things any less 'spiritual' than cacao ceremonies, meditation and yoga? 

Also travelling is a big, big part of my life. The majority of my travelling and sightseeing has been taken in the UK, which is a very beautiful part of the world. I didn't get into exploring until (I think) my late teens, but it is very much a part of who and what I am. 

These are all external things, and they're a good place to start. But the bigger question remains - what actually is my authentic self? What is my unique soul expression to this world? 

Image courtesy of Bruce Ashford

A dark night of the soul has the capacity to weed out things that are not in complete alignment with our values and true selves, but then it can leave us in a state of 'I don't know who I am anymore'. I thought I'd found my true self on more than one occasion, and right now I feel somewhat discombobulated as I am faced with myself as a child and the impact adverse circumstances had on my life. 

'This quiet, shy person .. with autistic and ADHD tendencies .. is that really me?'
'What things am I really into when it comes to community, spirituality and the like?'

The truth is, whilst I have been a little disillusioned with the spiritual community as a whole and have taken a step back from it, I am missing some aspects of it. And when I do become more involved with such communities again, I intend to find the things that really suit me. 

And maybe the aspects of my character that have been so difficult to deal with in this world have a deeper meaning to them which will become clearer as I continue to work with the accumulated trauma and grief that has caused my life to be a bit of a car crash. 

GOING BACK TO WHERE MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD TOOK PLACE
Dorset is a very beautiful part of the country, no doubt about it. But coming back here (for now) is bitter sweet. It has never truly felt like my home, and I was never homesick, not for one second, during the 17 years I was living up north. But I do have times of homesickness here. The north of England is where I made my home. I said in a previous blog post that I'm prone to change my mind on things - right now I am hoping to return up north in the next year or two. 

But I do believe that it was part of the 'divine plan', if there is such a thing, for me to come back here for a bit. It's a part of going back to my roots. As some of you may know, I was born in Manchester but moved down south when I was nearly 5 - and Dorset is the place where most of my childhood memories are. 

WHAT DOES 'GOING BACK TO MY ROOTS' MEAN TO ME?
Of course, I have to put the song by Odyssey on as I write this.

Image courtesy of Adamy

I have no idea what my ancestral lineage roots are and what beliefs they had, and probably never will. My parents are Christian, but I left that religion a while back and it's not part of me now. The place I am starting with is my childhood and taking it from there. Music and football have always been massive hobbies of mine and I think I've probably always been a traveller at heart, even though I didn't discover this until a bit later. 
It's a popular philosophy that our difficult aspects have treasures hidden within them, and I believe there is truth to this. The place for me to start is my childhood, because that's where most of our imprinting and views of the world take place. Obviously, we have to grow up and become adults as well, but going to the things that have been a big part of my life and taking it from there, is kind of where I'm at right now. 

Hope this makes sense. 
Peace out. 

Half way through 2024 .. what the heck has happened? 👀😅

The truth is, if I'd known how the first half of 2024 was about to transpire, I might have chosen to opt out. But there are certain things that give you NO choice - particularly if you want to get serious about sorting your shit out. 

My outlook on life has completely changed in the last few months. This is even more of a 'question everything' time than Covid was for me, in some ways. One of Neale Donald Walsch's books is called 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything'. So much has changed in my life .. 

In the space of five months, I've gone from:
Having a job to having no job. 
Living in Manchester to moving back to Poole.
Having an online relationship that I'd invested some hope and even money in (which was crumbling by early February) to being completely single again and really wondering if my last hope of a romantic relationship was completely gone now. 
Thinking I was going to go into some sort of spiritual business to having to completely rebuild career wise.
Being mentally reasonably stable to going completely off the rails for a little while. 
Thinking things were going to work out to having all my issues intensified. 
Being part of a large community in Manchester to losing that community and building new and existing connections down south.
Identifying as 'spiritual' to identifying as 'I'm not sure what my beliefs are'.
Having a completely different perspective of what 'inner work' is. 

As you may know by now, I don't do fake positivity or pretend I am super grateful when I'm not. 2024 has been a brutal, traumatic and pretty catastrophic year for me, and I know that many people have been struggling. Something has surely been in the air. For a little while, I had completely lost hope; all my issues were magnified and it was totally overwhelming. God had abandoned me, so it seemed. Some of the thoughts that came into my head were straight from the depths of horror. 

RESTORATION OF SOME HOPE
What has been made very, very clear to me is that unresolved trauma, particularly from childhood, has been essentially running the show for most if not all of my almost 50 years on earth, along with some of my neurodivergent brain functions. And also, just how serious this stuff was for me. There was not going to be any quick fix; no regression or hypnotherapy or Reiki or deliverance from demons was going to provide a magic cure. There was some big, big work to be done. 
Fortunately, I have maintained a strong interest in personal growth, mental health topics, some aspects of psychology, and how life's challenges can affect us. If there's something that can help me, I want to learn as much as I can about it that is useful. 
Two YouTube channels, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Tim Fletcher have been particularly helpful for me and given me some insight as to why I am the way I am and how complex trauma has played out in my life. At the moment I am listening to Tim's videos which are very insightful and contain years worth of knowledge and research and experience. I highly recommend both channels for people who are struggling with trauma and PTSD. 

LOOKING AT THE REST OF 2024 - WHAT NEXT?
The obvious answer is that I don't know what will happen during the next few months; there are times when life is completely out of our control and things happen whether we like it or not. However, I don't feel it's going to be quite so intense as the first half for me. I don't expect to be completely better by the end of the year, but I am taking small steps to helping myself. 

Charmouth in West Dorset, courtesy of Flickr

I always expected to move back near a coastline someday, but I wasn't really planning on moving back down south (although I had been thinking a bit that it could be time to be a bit closer to my family). It is good to be back near a coastline; I don't intend to stay in Poole forever but I do intend to stay near the coast and not too far from my family as things stand - and whilst I have to put a disclaimer in because I am fairly prone to changing my mind on things, as things stand I don't feel like I'll be moving back up north anytime soon. 

This year is partly about finding myself; looking back I can see that I wasn't being my true self in some ways. My connection to God and Spirit has changed - to be fair it's been bordering on non existent or completely non existent over the last few months, but I still expect to have some sort of connection going forward, whatever that may look like. 

Everything has changed for me; I am making a lot of inner and outer changes too. Life has taken me in a direction I wasn't expecting or even wanting, but I needed a big kick up the backside. 

Onwards and upwards.