Who am I, really? Attempting to 'go back to my roots'

As I write this, I am sitting in Costa listening to some classical music on my headphones. Whilst much has changed during my lifetime - way more than I could have anticipated - one thing that has remained almost constant (apart from a period during my teenage years) is my love for classical music. 

It's something I grew up with, and I consider it to be a part of who I am. 

And I would even put football into this category. I didn't properly get into football until I was 12, but it has been a constant part of my life since then and in some ways has kept me going at times when I've been at my worst. I found it hard to listen to music during the early part of my 2024 initiation, but I still watched football matches and videos. 

And I ask myself, are these things any less 'spiritual' than cacao ceremonies, meditation and yoga? 

Also travelling is a big, big part of my life. The majority of my travelling and sightseeing has been taken in the UK, which is a very beautiful part of the world. I didn't get into exploring until (I think) my late teens, but it is very much a part of who and what I am. 

These are all external things, and they're a good place to start. But the bigger question remains - what actually is my authentic self? What is my unique soul expression to this world? 

Image courtesy of Bruce Ashford

A dark night of the soul has the capacity to weed out things that are not in complete alignment with our values and true selves, but then it can leave us in a state of 'I don't know who I am anymore'. I thought I'd found my true self on more than one occasion, and right now I feel somewhat discombobulated as I am faced with myself as a child and the impact adverse circumstances had on my life. 

'This quiet, shy person .. with autistic and ADHD tendencies .. is that really me?'
'What things am I really into when it comes to community, spirituality and the like?'

The truth is, whilst I have been a little disillusioned with the spiritual community as a whole and have taken a step back from it, I am missing some aspects of it. And when I do become more involved with such communities again, I intend to find the things that really suit me. 

And maybe the aspects of my character that have been so difficult to deal with in this world have a deeper meaning to them which will become clearer as I continue to work with the accumulated trauma and grief that has caused my life to be a bit of a car crash. 

GOING BACK TO WHERE MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD TOOK PLACE
Dorset is a very beautiful part of the country, no doubt about it. But coming back here (for now) is bitter sweet. It has never truly felt like my home, and I was never homesick, not for one second, during the 17 years I was living up north. But I do have times of homesickness here. The north of England is where I made my home. I said in a previous blog post that I'm prone to change my mind on things - right now I am hoping to return up north in the next year or two. 

But I do believe that it was part of the 'divine plan', if there is such a thing, for me to come back here for a bit. It's a part of going back to my roots. As some of you may know, I was born in Manchester but moved down south when I was nearly 5 - and Dorset is the place where most of my childhood memories are. 

WHAT DOES 'GOING BACK TO MY ROOTS' MEAN TO ME?
Of course, I have to put the song by Odyssey on as I write this.

Image courtesy of Adamy

I have no idea what my ancestral lineage roots are and what beliefs they had, and probably never will. My parents are Christian, but I left that religion a while back and it's not part of me now. The place I am starting with is my childhood and taking it from there. Music and football have always been massive hobbies of mine and I think I've probably always been a traveller at heart, even though I didn't discover this until a bit later. 
It's a popular philosophy that our difficult aspects have treasures hidden within them, and I believe there is truth to this. The place for me to start is my childhood, because that's where most of our imprinting and views of the world take place. Obviously, we have to grow up and become adults as well, but going to the things that have been a big part of my life and taking it from there, is kind of where I'm at right now. 

Hope this makes sense. 
Peace out.