I spent years hoping to achieve some sort of spiritual awakening and enlightenment, even though I'd already been aware that this is not something to be achieved. Like religion, I saw it as a potential solution to the nagging issues that were always there in the background.
Also, I had tried to fend off another breakdown. That was the last thing I wanted to happen. The previous times in 2020 and 2021 when I had mental health episodes were extremely difficult, but somehow my inner self managed to turn back to the spiritual path I'd been on.
This time, I knew there was no escape. I remember well, soon after I'd become unwell for a short while, listening to a meditation by Pura Rasa, whose meditations are good to listen to if you're in a good headspace, and then a dark force of some sort closed in on me. I knew straight away that I was in big, big trouble, and I think it was the next day or day after that I went missing in the woods for 3 days.
For the first month or two, it was all about these dark forces, fear of hell, and going through stuff which was really, really brutal, on an even greater level than 2020 + 2021. There would be no going back to new age spirituality as it had been for me. My whole world was completely changing. The door to the light was completely closed off. It was just darkness.
What I've come to conclude is that these dark forces do exist and can play absolute havoc with the human mind, if there is a vacuum in the mind to do so. But these dark forces have subsided somewhat, and what I am left with is the reality of my human condition that I had tried to stuff down or bypass for so long.
It has been very sobering and pretty devastating to realise the effect that trauma and thought patterns, as well as undiagnosed autism and ADHD, have had on my life. They have affected so many areas, but in particular romantic relationships, money, work, planning, stress and decision making.
The truth is, I feel more 'awake' now that I have finally admitted to myself and to God, how fucked up I really am. Sometimes, the only way you can start to rebuild is by being honest about how things actually ARE. Whatever I tried to do, I just couldn't improve my work and relationship situations. Last year, things had actually started looking up for me, but this year, it all came crashing down with an enormous thud.
I am still probably in a bit of a state of shock about it all, though. The image I had of a good, spiritual person, is no more.
Some people say you shouldn't try to fix yourself and that you are not broken. I think this kind of mentality is quite dangerous for people with more complex trauma and PTSD. You can try persuading yourself that you're not broken and perfect as you are, but reality will eventually catch up with you.
And the reality (in my opinion at least) is that some people actually ARE broken, whether they like it or not. Their soul has been split. Which means some serious ongoing work to do in order to make things better.
Making affirmations that you're not broken and trying the latest 'cutting edge' techniques to let go of the past is an exercise in futility, even though it may make you temporarily a little better.
You have to start from where you are .. and that's the scary part. I have mentioned that I saw a post on Facebook where several people said they needed background noise and did not want to be alone with their own thoughts. There's good reason for this, because being alone with thoughts has the potential to open a whole can of worms.
Most people know this deep down, and don't want to go there. I spent years trying to avoid myself. Until life gave me the message of 'Game Over'.
More on this particular subject on another post .. for now, peace out.
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