Three months to go until the big 5-0 .. lessons learnt in 2024

My goodness, this life has gone quick. 

The 17 years that I was up north absolutely flew by. 

I don't usually give too much meaning to age numbers, even though I like birthdays. This particular birthday, I'm not sure if I'll truly feel like celebrating. 

Life absolutely broke me this year. 2024 has been a brutal year; so many people have gone through huge challenges. I'm no expert on astrological and energetic matters but there must have been something in the air the last few months.  

At the end of the tunnel there has been good and unexpected things happen for me; also there is the possibility of a new job which could see me move to a place I really love; nothing set in stone yet but I'm feeling optimistic. Sometimes there is a gut feeling about something - I had another job interview but I kind of knew I wouldn't get it. 

The biggest lessons I have taken are: 

Letting life lead or letting my higher self lead - some of you may have read a book called The Surrender Experiment where the 'hippy' author continually surrenders to life's perfection and ends up running a big IT organisation amongst other things. 

That I need to take small steps - for a long time, I have felt like I am far behind in life - being a late developer is hard and not something I would recommend - especially without suitable support when trying to function in a world that is so not catered for such people. But I continued to get nowhere when trying to get from A to Z.

Not everything is for me - It's easy for me to get entangled in a viewpoint or concept that my friends are into and think it should work for me. But some things just don't. Human Design goes way over my head. Books like The Celestine Prophecy and A Course In Miracles don't float my boat at all. Concepts around masculinity - such as Warrior, Magician, Lover, King - I think are good but they do not completely align with my character. 

That I needed to come to terms with my neurodiversity - Autism has always been a bit of a dirty word for me; still is to some degree, as someone who grew up in a time when it was seen in a negative light and when the needs of people like myself were not understood or catered for. In fact, it's more my ADHD tendencies that impact me day to day. But either way, my brain function is different to the majority of people (although the rate things are going, it will eventually be more common to be neurodiverse - not a good thing in my opinion). I agree with my friend who says a lot of it is brain damage - and yes I do believe my brain has been damaged somewhat. 

That I don't have to like everyone. Nuff said. 

That it's ok to have regrets or wish certain things had never happened - One thing I can't do is change the past. It happened. All I can do is rebuild. Whilst it's obviously possible to build good things from tragic situations - Andy's Man Club being one example (the founder lost his brother in law, called Andy, to suicide) - let's just say that a lot of us would change some of our past if we could. Life sometimes does give you more than you can handle, and that's a fact. 

Perhaps most importantly of all, I have learnt that I have to be true to myself. There have been times when I thought I was being really authentic and living a life that was suitable for me. Now I'm not so sure. Some New Age hippy practices, I'm not sure are for me now. It's so easy to get attached to a set of beliefs in order to fit in. Now, I want to build my tribe of people whose outlook really aligns with the outlook I have now. 

Image courtesy of gettythings.com

Trusting the process and the word 'surrender'

One of the most common words I've heard in both Christian and New Age circles is .. wait for it .. surrender.

In Christian terms it tends to mean surrender to God's will or to Jesus. In New Age terms I guess it means surrender to the universe, to life. 

The word 'surrender' is probably a bit of a cliche, but it does have some relevance to me. I like to stay in control of things, but for some strange reason, that has never seemed to work so well. Life sometimes has other plans - I would never have imagined how different my life would be now, compared to this time last year. And having had a complete mental fuck up/breakdown/psychotic episode, maybe it's now slightly easier for me to trust the process of life. Whilst action is important, the first thing I need to do is trust my inner guidance. 

Life tends to become a little more in flow when I do that. There may be times of stagnation and uncertainty .. when I first came back to Dorset, I was in crisis and didn't want to come back, but I knew this was the most viable option at the time. I'd spent 17 years building a life for myself up north and it was one of the best decisions I ever made - but even taking that into account, it's probably true to say that part of the reason I moved up north was to escape my old life. 

It was always fairly clear that I needed to do some healing work in the place where I grew up, but initially the intention was to eventually move back up north as that was where I felt my home was .. and I still have a lot of love for the north and look forward to returning there for a holiday. Dorset had actually never really felt like my home prior to me returning. 

But as time went on (and sometimes, the passage of time can eventually provide the answer), it became clearer and clearer that my inner compass was showing me to remain down south. The coast was a huge reason, as well as being nearer my family - in fact, the thing that really swung my decision was a day out in Hengitsbury Head, one of the most beautiful locations in Dorset without doubt. I hope to move nearer that direction in the coming months, which will be about 12 to 15 miles from my parents. There is also some coastline near there that I've not been a regular visitor to, which definitely appeals - I don't particularly want to stay in my home village, as much as I like it - it's just TOO familiar. 

I am looking for work and forging new connections, and there are certain things that will require my trust that they will have as smooth a process as possible. I don't know if I'll be so involved with any spiritual communities like I was in Manchester - that's probably another thing that I need to trust my inner guidance with. 

I am still trying to establish the right balance between surrender and taking action .. but right now, I feel like I'm where I'm meant to be. I'm not a big believer in making long term goals, or rather, making long term goals doesn't seem to work for me. That's a bit of an ADHD thing. 

Peace out.

Image courtesy of Printerval