When your hopes and dreams are shattered and it feels like you've lost everything. Starting again from point zero. Recovery from complex trauma.

For years, I'd been focusing a lot on externals. Two in particular - relationships and career, which I've had big struggles with all throughout my life. I've always wanted to do something different away from the 'matrix' but wasn't really sure what, and I bumbled along in low paid jobs, all the while being very sensitive to pressurised work environments and stress. 

It finally seemed like things were starting to come together by the end of 2023. I'd connected with someone long distance - even though I said I wouldn't do long distance again (I certainly wouldn't now, not a chance). Love can blind you to important things. There were things (not even the long distance) which were either a clear deal breaker or would have required me to do things I did not want to do. I rationalised these things, thinking that God would heal me or something. 

I'd embarked on a course and was looking to set up a business aligned with my values. But after a few months, I still wasn't really sure exactly what I wanted. I clearly wasn't ready to become a life coach or do spiritual retreats and stuff like that, but was deluding myself because I was so desperate to escape the 9 to 5. 

These two things, combined with a difficult job, contributed to sending me into a tailspin - the 'black hole', as I call it, started in February. Relationships, even if they are long distance, can really bring out your shadows. 

I called off any chance of the long distance relationship becoming a physical thing, and quit the course. My desires for relationship and a change of vocation were absolutely shattered. My connection to God was gone, and I didn't know if it would ever come back. I moved back to my hometown; Dorset is beautiful, but it has connections to a lot of bad memories for me; a big part of the reason why I made a fresh start up north in 2007. I already had a few friends down here but essentially I lost most of my friendship connections. 

My life was finished. My life was over, my heart shattered into a million pieces. The bad side of me clear as day, like never before. I couldn't go on pretending to be a good, spiritual person. I was broken, selfish, angry with God and the world. Things were so far removed from what I wanted. 

Mental health is no respecter of persons
I've really had to come face to face with reality, with the fact that my inner state was a lot worse than I realised. I already knew my childhood had affected me greatly, but now it seems like it has done so in a far bigger way than I realised. I knew my issues were complex, but I didn't want to face the worst of them; again, I thought some kind of miraculous healing would take place. 

Unpacking my issues and the way I am is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done. I was so traumatised for a couple of months or so that I could barely speak. Mental health issues are not something we choose; they are largely out of our control if they relate to childhood, they don't discriminate and they can affect anyone, even those who have been brought up in loving families. 

I always found it hard being a late developer, but now it really does seem like I'm at a point where I should have been when I was 18. Everything has to start again - whether it's relationships, career, spirituality, friendships .. everything I was working towards is now gone. 

Honesty - Highway Sign image

RECOVERY
I don't know what recovery is going to look like, and I imagine there'll be some tough times along the way. But it's time to be totally honest with myself - in terms of the way I have reacted when my buttons have been pushed, my narcissistic traits, the ways I don't like myself and struggle with people. There is no hiding place. It feels so raw to be facing decades worth of trauma head on. 

As J.K.Rowling said 'Rock bottom was the foundation from which I rebuilt my life'. I went through things that were so brutal that I wonder how on earth I survived. I ate little for one and a half months, my throat had become affected to the point where I wondered if I could choke if I ate a big meal; thankfully this didn't last too long and I did start eating properly once I got to my parents. 

DARK FORCES OR TRAUMA?
I've had some real battles with what seemed like malevolent entities. It had got to the point on occasion where they were trying to get me to believe that I was the devil itself. People may laugh these things off - but I do think there are some demons about that can take hold of someone. However, I also believe that religion and spirituality can make these things seem greater than they actually are. The fear of hell is very powerful, religious conditioning is very powerful. It would be great if I could have just 'let go of it', but it's not as easy as ABC. 
I still have some work to do on that, but right now I'm more focused on recovering from my complex mental health issues. 

I know this blog isn't overly cheerful, and probably won't be for some while. I want to keep it real about where I'm at, and who knows, it might even help someone. 

Peace. 

2024 - the year life changed forever - mental health and moving back down south

Hello everyone. For those that don't know me (and those that do), my name is Andy. 
For many years, I was involved in Christianity. That all fell apart in 2006. I moved away from my hometown and got involved with self-help groups and eventually the spiritual community. 
Life was usually a bit better during the 17 years I lived in northern England, although I had my moments. 17 years .. that went very quick. 

Fast forward to the beginning of 2024. I had enrolled on a course of sorts a few months ago where I was supposed to learn how to set up a soul centred business. I had also connected with a woman online, long distance. Life was going reasonably well. The previous year (2023) was one of my best. I felt like I was opening up and making some progress. 

Boy, how wrong was I! 

Image courtesy of Flickr

Two months or so later, my plans went up in smoke. I'd had a fairly tough month in February, and I kind of knew that the long distance relationship was in the balance, at best. I'd already paid for a plane ticket .. I rushed into things far too quickly, whilst still being enmeshed in the twin flame nonsense and thinking that God was bringing us together. The things that trauma can do to our brains when it comes to love .. 

On February 29th, I started feeling dizzy on the way home from work. It started whilst I was shopping in Unicorn, the excellent vegan supermarket in Manchester. I thought little of it to begin with, and half expected it to subside. But something in me kind of knew that things were not quite right. I drove home and had another dizzy spell. By the time I was almost home, I got worse. I parked up just in time, otherwise I would have crashed the car. I felt sick and my vision was going round in circles. 

Thank goodness my housemate and his partner were there at the time. 

That was the last day I worked at a job I'd been doing for just over 18 months. I 'manifested' the job just as I moved into Manchester - haha, a bit of spiritual terminology there. But I was initially grateful and enjoyed the first few months at the opticians and was getting on well with my colleagues. 

But it was fairly quiet and easy when I started, due to the hangover post Covid. Once things truly got back to 'normal', it got busier. I was always working on the front desk, and I don't think the boss ever really had any plans to change that. Even someone who I don't know that well said that it wasn't a good job for my personality. It did get pretty stressful. I later found out that my boss, who I seemed to get on well with, was not what I thought she was. I should have questioned her behaviour at times and her constant fall outs with people, but I always believed her side of the story. I don't think that job did me much good at all, at the end. 

My fear of death got triggered and a few days later, my mental condition rapidly deteriorated and thoughts I'd had about hell, wondering if I was evil and just sheer terror, came flooding back. I went to the nearest hospital but walked out in the end because I didn't think they'd be able to help me. That same day, I choose to go missing for three days, sleeping rough in a forest where no-one could find me. I wondered if I had gone to hell and this was it. 

I returned home. Friends and family were relieved that I had been found. But I was in a desperate state and I knew I wasn't going to be better any time soon. I soon ended the online relationship; it had become obvious that it wasn't going to happen. She wanted something which I couldn't give. We did chat for a bit after that but I had to go no contact eventually. It also became clear that the course I had been on was not suitable to me; I was out of my depth. And being honest with myself, I actually did have issues with some of the ways the coaching and self help industry operated - particularly the amounts that some people charge. I'm not one who thinks that acts of service should always be for free - far from it - and people who provide a good service should be able to live comfortably - but I think we all know that some people charge extortionate amounts which the service they provide isn't worth. 

I was not safe living in Manchester and had to come back to live with my parents in April. I was in a truly awful state when I first got there, I'd had the most sickening thoughts and experiences which I wouldn't wish on anyone; they have subsided somewhat, but I am still far from being well. 

I am currently looking into the subject of trauma and PTSD. I now realise how serious my issues actually were and how much I tried to cover them up through religion and spirituality. I really didn't want to face the darkest parts of myself - they are so intense and brutal. I've had to come to terms with the possibility that my issues are too much for me to ever have a loving romantic relationship. And I've got some work to do when it comes to career and money. It does feel like the universe has given me one of the toughest set of cards possible and I certainly wouldn't ever want to go through the same experiences in any other lifetime. 

It also feels like my mission for now is to do my best to face my stuff and recover from it as much as possible. My brain has never functioned well, really. And the religious and spiritual communities don't have the resources to deal with severe trauma and complex PTSD - neither does the NHS. At the moment I'm watching some very useful videos on YouTube and doing whatever else I can to feel a bit better. 

I'm absolutely devastated by everything that has happened and the move back down south meant that I have to start all over again when it comes to friendships. I do know a few people down here, but I am taking things slowly. I have isolated myself with only my parents being a constant, but I am hopefully meeting up with a friend on Sunday. I could hardly speak at one stage because I was so traumatised, and I don't really know what I'll be like socially, but I have to take one step at a time. 

Anyways, I will hopefully be able to update this blog on a reasonably regular basis. 

Peace out.