For years, I'd been focusing a lot on externals. Two in particular - relationships and career, which I've had big struggles with all throughout my life. I've always wanted to do something different away from the 'matrix' but wasn't really sure what, and I bumbled along in low paid jobs, all the while being very sensitive to pressurised work environments and stress.
It finally seemed like things were starting to come together by the end of 2023. I'd connected with someone long distance - even though I said I wouldn't do long distance again (I certainly wouldn't now, not a chance). Love can blind you to important things. There were things (not even the long distance) which were either a clear deal breaker or would have required me to do things I did not want to do. I rationalised these things, thinking that God would heal me or something.
I'd embarked on a course and was looking to set up a business aligned with my values. But after a few months, I still wasn't really sure exactly what I wanted. I clearly wasn't ready to become a life coach or do spiritual retreats and stuff like that, but was deluding myself because I was so desperate to escape the 9 to 5.
These two things, combined with a difficult job, contributed to sending me into a tailspin - the 'black hole', as I call it, started in February. Relationships, even if they are long distance, can really bring out your shadows.
I called off any chance of the long distance relationship becoming a physical thing, and quit the course. My desires for relationship and a change of vocation were absolutely shattered. My connection to God was gone, and I didn't know if it would ever come back. I moved back to my hometown; Dorset is beautiful, but it has connections to a lot of bad memories for me; a big part of the reason why I made a fresh start up north in 2007. I already had a few friends down here but essentially I lost most of my friendship connections.
My life was finished. My life was over, my heart shattered into a million pieces. The bad side of me clear as day, like never before. I couldn't go on pretending to be a good, spiritual person. I was broken, selfish, angry with God and the world. Things were so far removed from what I wanted.
Mental health is no respecter of persons
I've really had to come face to face with reality, with the fact that my inner state was a lot worse than I realised. I already knew my childhood had affected me greatly, but now it seems like it has done so in a far bigger way than I realised. I knew my issues were complex, but I didn't want to face the worst of them; again, I thought some kind of miraculous healing would take place.
Unpacking my issues and the way I am is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done. I was so traumatised for a couple of months or so that I could barely speak. Mental health issues are not something we choose; they are largely out of our control if they relate to childhood, they don't discriminate and they can affect anyone, even those who have been brought up in loving families.
I always found it hard being a late developer, but now it really does seem like I'm at a point where I should have been when I was 18. Everything has to start again - whether it's relationships, career, spirituality, friendships .. everything I was working towards is now gone.
 |
| Honesty - Highway Sign image |
RECOVERY
I don't know what recovery is going to look like, and I imagine there'll be some tough times along the way. But it's time to be totally honest with myself - in terms of the way I have reacted when my buttons have been pushed, my narcissistic traits, the ways I don't like myself and struggle with people. There is no hiding place. It feels so raw to be facing decades worth of trauma head on.
As J.K.Rowling said 'Rock bottom was the foundation from which I rebuilt my life'. I went through things that were so brutal that I wonder how on earth I survived. I ate little for one and a half months, my throat had become affected to the point where I wondered if I could choke if I ate a big meal; thankfully this didn't last too long and I did start eating properly once I got to my parents.
DARK FORCES OR TRAUMA?
I've had some real battles with what seemed like malevolent entities. It had got to the point on occasion where they were trying to get me to believe that I was the devil itself. People may laugh these things off - but I do think there are some demons about that can take hold of someone. However, I also believe that religion and spirituality can make these things seem greater than they actually are. The fear of hell is very powerful, religious conditioning is very powerful. It would be great if I could have just 'let go of it', but it's not as easy as ABC.
I still have some work to do on that, but right now I'm more focused on recovering from my complex mental health issues.
I know this blog isn't overly cheerful, and probably won't be for some while. I want to keep it real about where I'm at, and who knows, it might even help someone.
Peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment