I used to be a sucker for the word 'authentic'. Now it seems like another buzzword to me.

During my time in religion, I completely lost myself. I was focused on a higher power outside of me, expecting this higher power to fix my problems. Plus, I saw myself as a worthless sinner who thought that good could only come through this higher power - which was God and Jesus at the time. 

I then embarked on a bit of a quest to find myself, much of which became about getting involved in various New Age or spiritual groups. I was passionate about dealing with my  $h!t and doing inner work, and talked about it a fair bit. 

Until it got to a point where the $h!t and the pain became too much. Doing inner work was not in the least bit fun any more, and there was seemingly no purpose apart from going through severe pain without knowing if it was even possible for me to recover. 

And .. once again, I find myself questioning who I really am. At this moment, I really don't know. And that is slightly scary, as my ego does not like the unknown one bit. My friend said to me recently that 'everything is spiritual'. We put different activities in different boxes; certain things like meditation and yoga and shamanic initiations and cacao ceremonies are grouped in the 'spiritual' category, whereas other activities such as work and doing the groceries are grouped in the 'other' category. 

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I must admit, I got a bit of a buzz out of going to the so called 'spiritual' events. I remember some musical gatherings which got me high on life. Dance, yoga, sound healing, gong baths .. these things probably helped maintain my feeling of being very spiritual .. and I'm not even joking. 

WANTING TO FIT IN VS BEING AUTHENTIC

I thought I was really being myself within my spiritual communities, but now I think that I was also desperate for somewhere to fit in, having felt like an outsider my entire life. I also may have been using spirituality in order to try and become more successful in life, as I'd long worked out that I was not particularly well suited to the 9 to 5 matrix world. Ceremonies, retreats, festivals, yoga, drumming circles, workshops, connection to the Divine .. these things can become part of your identity, and a big part at that. Of course, there's nothing wrong with these things, however, the new age movement certainly has it flaws, and I have taken a big step back from it. 

That's not to say that I have stepped away entirely from so called 'spiritual' stuff, but when you're going through a crisis, it really is hard to feel God in any way at all, so spiritual practices can easily fall by the wayside. 

Trauma and PTSD has left me with a sense of emptiness, and in times when I feel miles from God, I struggle. This recent turn of events has brought home how much I struggle and feel lost in myself. This needs to change .. for now I try and keep myself occupied with playing games, watching football, watching videos, listening to music and reading books. 

But essentially, I am starting with a bit of a clean state in terms of who I am. Having lost my Christian faith almost 2 decades ago - which was a massive part of my identity - having my 'spiritual' identity somewhat crushed has been a big body blow. I am currently without much purpose and meaning in my life, apart from trying to recover from the hell that has been thrust upon me this year. I don't know if I'll ever be as involved in spiritual communities as I was, time will tell on that one. The only way I can be authentic is to do what I enjoy doing as much as possible. 

But I don't quite know what 'authentic' me is at present.