When hope disappears and you're left with reality

I was holding on to hope that certain things in my life would sort themselves out. Particularly the work and money side of things. For many years - I was stuck in unfulfilling jobs and wanted to go into some kind of 'spiritual' work, but I wasn't sure exactly what that spiritual work was, and I was often drained by the end of a work day and didn't have much energy to spend on too much else. 

Sometimes we have to be realistic about our limitations - some people can work until the cows come down; I need time to relax. Maybe this is a personality trait of ADHD and autism. 

I was also holding onto hope that I would meet the woman of my dreams and that everything would suddenly be wonderful - yep, that old chestnut of thinking that a partner is going to make your life fulfilling. 

Without doubt, one of the most devastating aspects of the breakdown I had this year is that I had to completely let go of the expectation that I would find my dream vocation and make good money from it. In fact, I am now somewhat struggling with the money aspect of things like the unregulated life coaching industry. Reality is that being an entrepreneur may not be for everyone. I also do not like working for other people (never really have) - this is definitely a common trait for people with my type of personality. 

When all the hope of a better future disappeared, I was left with the feeling of - what's the point, I'm never going to make much of a difference in the world or have any sort of success. It certainly felt like I'd been misplaced in a world which most definitely is not catered for neurodivergent people. 

I also don't want to spend the rest of my life not working and on benefits. 

REALITY GIVES YOU MORE OF A FOUNDATION TO WORK FROM
I'm not saying that hope is a bad thing. It's probably kept me going for long periods. But if we're at point A and trying to get to point Z, that is too big of a gap to bridge. As someone who has struggled throughout my life in the work world, I just didn't have the credentials to make it big in the life coaching industry or even to give advice and help others. 

It was a foundation built on sand. You all know the parable in the Bible ... and if you know the tune, sing along. And the rain came tumbling down ... 

Do you fancy living here?

I believe that if we want to build our house on a rock, we have to be brutally honest about where we're at. Not where we want to be. This is where it's easy to play the comparison game, especially with things where we feel we're lagging behind most of the population. You may not want to face reality - I know I didn't for a while - I was always 'putting my trust' in spirituality and thinking that, as I became 'more healed', then my finances would have a massive turnaround, and that I'd meet the woman of my dreams and that all my pain around relationships would magically disappear. 

If we keep clinging on to hope and ignore the red flags in our own lives, then there's a very good chance that, eventually, everything will come crashing down. That isn't fun and can come with absolutely brutal and devastating consequences. 

It's so easy for people to become detached from reality when involved with certain forms of religion or spirituality - particularly if they have a lot of accumulated trauma. Sorry to say, but a lot of the techniques that business people use to try and heal others, do not work on people with a lot of trauma in their life. You know, the things that promise that your marriage will be sorted in weeks, that you'll be living the life of your dreams, that your traumas will disappear. 

It's all bull and quite superficial in my honest opinion. 

REALITY AND UNCERTAINTY
Another reason we hold on to hope - at least in my case - is because we want to maintain as much control of our lives as possible. And when hope goes, you are likely to be left with a whole lot of uncertainty. My life has been uncertainty on steroids recently. I've lost a lot of things, and loss can be very painful. I lost my job, my car, my books, my community, my (online) relationship, at times my sanity. I had to leave the life I'd built up north over a number of years and come back down south. It's like the universe decided to rip my life apart. 

Life didn't give me a roadmap to navigate these times and I can't see the road ahead. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and take things one step at a time. 

Peace.