In 2007, I left my hometown of Poole and embarked on a journey up in the north of England .. or oop norf. It was the best thing I ever did. I started off in Leeds, staying there until mid 2014, then moved west to Huddersfield, where I actually stayed slightly longer, before moving to Manchester in July 2022.
I'll be honest, once the novelty wore off a bit and once I was a little less involved in the Manchester community - I became 'not all that keen' on Manchester. I actually prefer Liverpool as a city (even my Dad who grew up in Manchester pretty much said the same).
But at the start of the year, I certainly wasn't thinking about leaving Manchester. I was happy up north. There was always in the back of my mind the desire to move back near a coastline, and I'd kind of had the Wirral in mind although I'd shelved any immediate plans to move there.
I'd never really planned on returning to live in Dorset. It's nice, but it never had felt like home to me, and I have had A LOT of bad memories from there. Moving away was such a blessing for me and I got to see a very different part of the country when I moved to Yorkshire .. and I still miss Yorkshire now, particularly the Yorkshire Dales and some of the scenery round there. Sometimes a fresh start is good.
I really had no idea how this year was going to pan out, and if I had .. well it's probably a good job I didn't know. I have had a huge amount of trauma in my life, some of it personal, some probably ancestral and some probably collective. 'You don't choose this, it chooses you' comes to mind. The path less travelled can be absolutely brutal, and make no mistake, if we are going to create a better world, there is A LOT of shit that needs to be faced.
At the start of the year, I was in a long distance relationship. I actually paid for flights to the country in question and even took a vaccine which would have been needed to fly into that country. Most of you should know that as a general rule I don't take vaccines at all; I've avoided them since childhood. Life intervened and it became pretty clear that I was not going to get that flight as my mental health deteriorated rapidly in March; in fact, things had started in February but only really started to get proper intense after the last day in Feb when I felt dizzy on the way home from work. That was also the last day I worked at an opticians where there was a pretty toxic environment; that job likely caused me more stress than I realised.
By mid April, to cut a long story short, I was very unsafe and going through a psychotic episode (which is one thing I definitely would not recommend). Life can become very weird when you're that far down, although I don't wish to go into any details. I had no choice but to go back and stay with my parents, and I'm grateful that they've been able to support me.
Life was just hell until probably mid to late June. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone; it cost me a lot and it probably wasn't that far off from costing me my physical life. I couldn't end my own life, but I totally understand why people do; I had a friend, Nick, who took his life by jumping from a bridge in 2017.
By July I kind of felt a bit better but was in a location I didn't want to be in; I couldn't see where life was going or really how I was going to build my life back; all I knew is that it was going to take small steps.
It's been really hard to lose the life that I spent years building up north, and especially hard to lose the community that I had. Having now got to a point (after six months) where I feel ready to connect with groups again, it would have been easier if I could go straight back to the Manchester groups. But I know that I need to stay here for now; my mental health took a huge battering and moving back up north wouldn't, overall, be quite so beneficial at the moment, although maybe one day.
So I will need to get involved with groups down here and build connections. Fortunately, this is something that I do have the capability to do, but it's going to take a bit of time. Sometimes life and life events take you on a journey that you hadn't planned, and leave you with little choice but to just go with the flow and surrender to the bigger picture.
I highly recommend reading 'The Surrender Experiment' by Michael A Singer.
Dorset's best town, Sherborne |