A time of rebuilding and restoration .. but it's not a "quick fix"

Well, it's been almost three months since I published on this blog. Writing has taken a bit of a back seat whilst I am focusing on other things, but I still like to delve into it now and again. 

Actually, it's a bit of a lie that writing as a whole has taken a back seat. My own writings and musings have done, whilst I'm in a big phase of transition. I'm not sharing anywhere near as much personal stuff on social media as I used to. My higher self has kind of given me a mandate as such. There's a lot of lessons I'm learning during this phase of life, and I will share more once I am out the other side. However, I am doing a proofreading course, so I am studying the subject of writing. I have always been pretty good with spelling and grammar, however, there is so much I've learnt already, even less than halfway through the course. 

I followed my inner guidance to sign up for that course, and got a very good deal for it. I'm also following my hunches for other forms of education. There is, however, still a great deal of uncertainty in my life. I'm kind of glad I'm going through it now, as the world is changing at a rapid pace. It is hard, though. Things are happening a lot more slowly than I'd like. My finances are still a mess. My life as a whole is still a bit of a mess, and I'm still a bit traumatised from the brutal hell I went through last year. There are many occasions when I feel frustrated and the mission that I have to rebuild my life seems like a herculean task. 

The job market is a huge challenge at the moment. I'm at a point in life where I know I have to branch out and stop working in jobs that are completely out of alignment with my soul, but I certainly could do with more money coming in whilst I make some big changes. 

ADHD kicks my butt a lot of the time. Sometimes I think that life has given me a crazy amount of obstacles and trauma to overcome, so that I can help others. I would never have consciously chosen my life path, it really has been pure craziness at times. There's a lot of mental health related posts that I'm seeing at the moment, and I completely understand why some people choose to take their lives. It could easily have been me. 

Image courtesy of Flickr

I was at the lowest point I could possibly get, in fact lower than I thought I could possibly get without dying. I actually did pretty much die, somehow not physically, but I was certainly dead inside. There was never going to be a quick way of getting out of it. 

The only way I was going to be able to make the rest of my life count was to think and dream as big as I could, and take as much action as I could. I have been learning about neurodiversity and it's become more clear about how that has played out in my life. It was as if I'd been trying to run with heavy weights. Now that I am a bit more aware of my brain function, things are a bit clearer, but a lot of damage had already been done. I just have to make the best of what resources I have. 

At the moment, I'm going through a bit of a lone wolf stage. Being separated from the people who I had been doing life with for the past 2–3 years was really difficult, and I've a feeling this will be restored and that I will be back where my soul feels most at home, before too long. It was important to come back to Dorset to do a bit of healing, and there are some truly wonderful people in the local communities, but I still feel that I don't really belong here. 

I had some very rocky foundations pre-2024, and it's no wonder that my life collapsed like a back of cards. I would advise anyone to learn about finances and how to manage them, learn about themselves and what vocation suits them, and deal with trauma. To end up where I did is not a path I would recommend to anyone. Neurodiversity really can cause a huge amount of suffering if it is not addressed in good time. 

To be continued .. 

Peace and love. 

 

2025, my 'new year' and navigating my circumstances

2024 has been the hardest year of my life. Without doubt. 
The other mega tough year was 2006. But even that didn't have quite the sheer volume of challenges. 
I know an absolute ton more now than what I did back then. Thank heavens. But what we call the start of 2025 isn't really going to signify a fresh start for me. That will come a bit later. This is why .. 

I'm becoming more and more convinced that the traditional time that we celebrate 'New Year' has been hijacked. One of the clues is in the months of September to November. This is from a simple search: 

7) July - Named in honour of Roman dictator, Julius Caesar
8) August - Named in honour of Roman emperor, Augustus Caesar
9) September - Named simply as 'the 7th month of the year'
10) October - Named simply as 'the 8th month of the year'
11) November - Named simply as 'the 9th month of the year'

We all know that 'octo' or 'octa' represents 8, for starters. Yet it is the 10th month of the year? 

And if September, October and November are really the 7th, 8th and 9th month of the year, then the first month of the year would be March. 
It is fairly obvious, when you really think about it, that January - a time when, at least in the Northern hemisphere, is cold and dark and when many people are in hibernation mode - is absolutely not the best time to be setting new goals and making resolutions. The time for doing this should be around the time when spring is about to bloom. This is the perfect time to be working towards new beginnings - although, the way our weather is being messed around with isn't all that helpful - Spring as well as Summer in 2023 was absolutely atrocious. But still, it is a better time than January. 

Also, for me, the start of my dark night of the soul really was at the end of February - 29th of February, to be precise. The month of February preceding that had been tough - it had started to become clear that the long distance 'relationship' I was in at the time was not going to work - I since realise that I should never have even started on it in the first place, although I did learn some lessons from it. 

I did something I would never normally do and took a vaccine in order to be able to travel to the country that the woman I was connected to, lives in. I had to in order to go there. In the end, I never went. Anyone who knows me well would probably know that vaccines are a big no no for me and have been for my entire life really - I knew from an early age that I didn't like them, never took any out of my own choice, still haven't taken a flu vaccine and never will, and avoided the covid vaccines like the plague.  

I do wonder if my dizzy spell at the end of February was at least in some part down to that vaccine I took, which had been 3 weeks or so prior. I can't prove it, but I wouldn't be that surprised. I hardly ever get ill and had never had anything like it. It was scary. This then fully triggered an onslaught of mental health issues, mainly related to religious brainwashing, but it escalated at times to virtually every issue I've ever had coming to my awareness. 

I'm still dealing with the upshot of losing my job and facing the reality of my financial situation. There are some big changes that need to be made going forward. That and losing a huge chunk of my friendship network from having to leave the north - although I will probably move back there, hopefully sooner rather than later - continue to be challenges I'm dealing with. 

There are things to be grateful for from 2024 - although it is hard to think along those lines because it has been such a brutal year and could, maybe should, have ended my physical life. Certainly there were times when I was the walking dead - which is probably a lot more of a common occurrence than people think. So many people are struggling these days. 

But the things I learnt or gained from it all were: 
1) Being brutally honest about myself, who I was, what I do and don't resonate with. 
2) Having support from family. 
3) Discovering podcasts.
4) Coming to a bit more understanding as to why I haven't been able to thrive in this world and how unsuitable the 'system' really is for me. And that my brain probably had some damage.  
5) Putting into practice some of the things I've learned over the years - although, of course, I still have my moments. 
6) Having friends who stuck by me - I lost a few, mainly online connections, but none were really a massive loss. 
7) That I can survive the worst of what life can throw - to all intents and purposes, it seemed like I was beyond gone. 
8) Whilst I wouldn't wish the underworld or 'hell' on anyone, some of us go through it in order to learn and to help others. That said, it is not an experience I wish to go through ever again. 
9) I feel a lot more grounded. 

I still am having to navigate a large part of the journey largely on my own, with the huge help of books and podcasts. I lost all my books during the process of the psychotic episode I had, but am gradually replacing them. Therapy is something I will look at going forward, but I don't have the financial resources at present and there is no way that the NHS will be able to provide suitable therapy for me - they are not well educated when it comes to understanding complex trauma. Being separated from my main friendship network has sucked in this regard too. 

Image courtesy of PickPik.

Of course, there is no magic cure and the start of a new year or new cycle does not mean that you're going to have an overnight experience which will lessen your problems. Dealing with the past is an ongoing thing which will be a lifetime's journey. I have really learnt this year that I have to take small steps, which can be challenging because I feel - with some evidence - that I am behind in life. The saying 'you are where you're supposed to be' is over used these days. I prefer to say 'I am where I am'. The terrain ahead may be rocky and there will be times when my mental health is challenged. I don't have a clear road map of where I'm going. My journey of life and family dynamics are the sort that will probably never happen again - and obviously I know that everyone is different - but my journey has been seriously off the beaten track. I have felt very alone at times and felt - still do at times - that I don't belong in this world. 

My aims going forward are - actually I'm going to keep them to myself for now. I have come to realise that I don't need to tell everyone what I'm up to, who I'm with or how I'm feeling. I am currently on a Facebook break and feel like I've been more productive because of it.

Happy 2025 .. peace out. 

One of my biggest challenges .. the temptation to try and make up for lost time

I basically had to go right back to square one this year. Even before this, I'd been trying to make up for lost time, trying to get my stuff sorted. 

The hammer blow to my life as it was, was struck this year. Here I was, at age 49, with no savings, no job, having to return to my hometown which I didn't particularly want to come back to, big uncertainty, not really knowing where my life is going. Plus coming to terms with the fact that my AuDHD (autism and ADHD traits) have affected my life far more than I'd grasped. 

It was a brutal cocktail, really. It really was too much to actually contemplate my financial situation at times. Particularly as someone who has lots of ideas, creativity and knowledge .. but lacking in certain areas. No-one expects to get to almost 50 and have the rug completely pulled from underneath them, however often it may actually happen. 

2024, along with 2006, has truly been the most challenging year of my entire life. 

And all I can really do is just trust and surrender .. with all my limitations and the brain fog that sometimes accompanies me .. 

In 2006, I lost the job which to this day was the best job I've ever had. I ended up moving location the year after, which was the best thing I ever did. 
In 2024, I lost the life that I'd spent years building in the north of England. 

I'm still grieving that loss. 

And I guess partly that I'm looking for some magic solution which will earn me good money doing something I love. Which as yet, is elusive. Plus I'm still in recovery from the horrendous mental health crisis of this year, although certainly significantly better than I was. 

There's a lot of conditioning, particularly as a man, when it comes to work and money. And it feels like I have failed. 

I have lost time. There are areas of life I should have and would have developed in more, were it not for my somewhat faulty brain function. There's no doubt about that and it's something that can't be changed. To start again from scratch is hard, and feels like a very unusual journey-less-travelled kind of path. Whilst money on its own obviously doesn't make you happy, it isn't a huge amount of fun when you're getting very little money. Thank goodness I have been able to stay with my parents during the last few months. 

My ego wants to make up for lost time in a big way, and show life who's the boss. I also have to be aware of what I can do and what I can't. I guess I've wanted some sort of significance, perhaps to make up for feeling very insignificant for a long time. 

But again, all I can really do is trust and surrender. Trust that the right people will show up at the right time - because I certainly can't do this journey on my own. Trust that I will always have what I need. 

Saying what you think without fear

I am grateful, in some ways, for the whole Covid charade. Whilst a lot of it - the lockdowns, vaccines and yes, even the manufactured viruses - caused considerable damage and, sadly, injuries and deaths - in some ways, I think it had to happen. Because this world has been sleepwalking to a crazy extent for far too long. 

The conditioning and brainwashing that has been done to humanity is huge. My biggest brainwashing came in the form of religion, which has done considerable damage to me and seen me suffer 5 serious mental health episodes, the absolute pinnacle of which was this year. Again, even though I would never have chosen it nor would I want to go through it again in a million years, maybe it had to happen. 

One thing that I've never massively followed is the crowd. I've never thought that vaccines were wonderful - I hated injections as a child and it never even occurred to me that I might need them in adulthood to protect me from viruses - that's just crackers to me. I've never been outraged about where my taxes go - although taxation is theft. I'm not a fan of the Royal Family. And I have less trust in doctors and our national health service than ever. 

And whilst conspiracies were never a massive part of my life prior to Covid, that side of me was probably always in the background. Especially after suffering one of my mental health crises during the lockdown, I was outraged at how only one thing mattered during that time. I knew of more people that committed suicide in 2020 than in the rest of my life combined - but those people didn't matter. Only Covid did. 

After this, I didn't really care what people thought about me. Admittedly, I was a bit of an asshole at times, and lost one or two friends that I regret losing. As time has gone on, I have adopted a bit more tolerance to certain situations - whilst I will probably never be entirely comfortable with people wearing masks, it doesn't trigger me quite as much as it did during the lockdown. And I was fortunate that I knew quite a few people that were on the same side of the fence during the lockdown, and managed to live reasonably normally. 

But the extent of the conditioning that has been placed on humanity is still clear to see. We're all victims of it, to an extent, even if we might call ourselves 'critical thinkers'. I've seen some people become so entrenched in conspiracies that they'll automatically believe everything that they read in The Light Paper or see on YouTube. Some of these people, who were saying that we should have the right to choose how we live during the lockdown whilst shouting 'freedom', proceeded to slander those that just wanted to live their lives in a peaceful way and not fight, fight, fight. I ended some friendships because of this. 

I'm always a bit reticent when someone talks about 'the truth'. Maybe partly because of my experience in religion. As much as possible these days, I try to stick to my own beliefs or try and find some middle ground - because I feel that whatever is closest to 'the truth' is often, if not always, somewhere in the middle of extreme views. 

For example, some might say that Covid killed millions of people and the vaccines saved lives, and others may say that it was a complete hoax and hardly anyone died of Covid. There's certain things on this which have no middle ground for me - the Covid vaccines were basically bad in my book, end of story. And I saw first hand evidence that what the media was saying to us wasn't quite right. But I don't believe that 'Covid didn't exist' - even people I know who have 'conspiracy' views have said that they've had an unnatural virus. 

Then, there's something going on at present which some might call the 'trans agenda' or 'non-binary agenda'. There's a disgusting element of anti-trans rhetoric within some of the conspiracy or 'truther' ranks - honestly, some of the most toxic people exist in these circles, and the hatred I've seen written about trans people is something that should be unacceptable to any person with morals. I used to work with someone who had a sex change from male to female; that person is no longer with us, but I saw them after the transition and they were still a decent person. I myself have never seriously considered changing my sex, but I have had times where I haven't felt that much of a man and did get caught up in the non-binary thing for a short while. 
Now, to be brutally honest, whilst I try and respect people's choices, I'm really not keen on people referring to themselves as a 'they'. It just doesn't sit comfortably with me. The bigger issue is that kids are supposedly being taught about transgender and non-binary matters in school (and whilst I haven't seen first hand evidence of this myself, on this occasion I am going with the assumption that there is no smoke without fire). That is not right, and I believe that it is being used as part of the (continuous) agenda to keep the consciousness of humanity down. 

Women are, quite rightly, standing up to the crazy notion that men can get pregnant or breastfeed - and whilst I don't have an issue with people who change their gender, things are going too far out of balance in this area to the point where nature is being tampered with. Getting pregnant is something that only a woman can do. End of story. And if people get offended by that, too bad. 

The far right gets vilified more often but the far left can be just as bad in some ways. People like to be offended these days and there is a narrative which the media subconsciously plant in people's minds that is not politically correct to speak against. And many people don't, for fear of retribution. That's why I support JK Rowling, who is not afraid to say what she thinks, and as far as I can tell, is doing her best to support women.

It's time to speak out, even if our body shakes. 

Moving back down south - when life takes over

In 2007, I left my hometown of Poole and embarked on a journey up in the north of England .. or oop norf. It was the best thing I ever did. I started off in Leeds, staying there until mid 2014, then moved west to Huddersfield, where I actually stayed slightly longer, before moving to Manchester in July 2022. 

I'll be honest, once the novelty wore off a bit and once I was a little less involved in the Manchester community - I became 'not all that keen' on Manchester. I actually prefer Liverpool as a city (even my Dad who grew up in Manchester pretty much said the same). 

But at the start of the year, I certainly wasn't thinking about leaving Manchester. I was happy up north. There was always in the back of my mind the desire to move back near a coastline, and I'd kind of had the Wirral in mind although I'd shelved any immediate plans to move there. 

I'd never really planned on returning to live in Dorset. It's nice, but it never had felt like home to me, and I have had A LOT of bad memories from there. Moving away was such a blessing for me and I got to see a very different part of the country when I moved to Yorkshire .. and I still miss Yorkshire now, particularly the Yorkshire Dales and some of the scenery round there. Sometimes a fresh start is good. 

I really had no idea how this year was going to pan out, and if I had .. well it's probably a good job I didn't know. I have had a huge amount of trauma in my life, some of it personal, some probably ancestral and some probably collective. 'You don't choose this, it chooses you' comes to mind. The path less travelled can be absolutely brutal, and make no mistake, if we are going to create a better world, there is A LOT of shit that needs to be faced. 

At the start of the year, I was in a long distance relationship. I actually paid for flights to the country in question and even took a vaccine which would have been needed to fly into that country. Most of you should know that as a general rule I don't take vaccines at all; I've avoided them since childhood. Life intervened and it became pretty clear that I was not going to get that flight as my mental health deteriorated rapidly in March; in fact, things had started in February but only really started to get proper intense after the last day in Feb when I felt dizzy on the way home from work. That was also the last day I worked at an opticians where there was a pretty toxic environment; that job likely caused me more stress than I realised. 

By mid April, to cut a long story short, I was very unsafe and going through a psychotic episode (which is one thing I definitely would not recommend). Life can become very weird when you're that far down, although I don't wish to go into any details. I had no choice but to go back and stay with my parents, and I'm grateful that they've been able to support me. 

Life was just hell until probably mid to late June. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone; it cost me a lot and it probably wasn't that far off from costing me my physical life. I couldn't end my own life, but I totally understand why people do; I had a friend, Nick, who took his life by jumping from a bridge in 2017. 

By July I kind of felt a bit better but was in a location I didn't want to be in; I couldn't see where life was going or really how I was going to build my life back; all I knew is that it was going to take small steps. 

It's been really hard to lose the life that I spent years building up north, and especially hard to lose the community that I had. Having now got to a point (after six months) where I feel ready to connect with groups again, it would have been easier if I could go straight back to the Manchester groups. But I know that I need to stay here for now; my mental health took a huge battering and moving back up north wouldn't, overall, be quite so beneficial at the moment, although maybe one day. 

So I will need to get involved with groups down here and build connections. Fortunately, this is something that I do have the capability to do, but it's going to take a bit of time. Sometimes life and life events take you on a journey that you hadn't planned, and leave you with little choice but to just go with the flow and surrender to the bigger picture. 

I highly recommend reading 'The Surrender Experiment' by Michael A Singer. 

Dorset's best town, Sherborne

Projection

Projection. Something that is absolutely rife in the UK, and probably a lot of other countries. The simple meaning is: Projecting is when someone unconsciously attributes their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to another person.

Image courtesy of Picpedia

My own interpretation of projection is when people are unable or unwilling to express their frustrations in a constructive manner and so take out their anger on someone or a group of people who they perceive to be 'luckier' than them. 

Easily the most common example of projection I see on social media is related to people's jobs. Let's get this straight; the vast majority of people would not do the jobs they do if it wasn't for the money. Many people resent their jobs. But, they are unwilling to look at their own conditioning and choices they made. So they target people on benefits. No-one who truly enjoyed what they do would be spending their time getting pissed off at people on benefits or saying that their taxes pay for everyone on benefits (the mentality over taxes in the UK is weird and something I will never understand. If only they were told where their taxes really go ..)

If people were to express their true feelings, they would say:
This work isn't really for me. 
I wish I was doing something else and not working so hard. 
I want to spend more time with my family. 
I hate and resent my job. 

The establishment has such people exactly where they want them, stressed and burned out from overwork and spending more and more money as costs of food go up. But because they feel trapped as a wage slave, it's easier for them to be jealous of other people. Let's be honest - if being on benefits was that great, or if being a successful entrepreneur was down to 'luck' - why aren't more of these people doing it? 

Another reason they criticise people on benefits, immigrants etc is because these people are not THEM. Not part of their club. You never hear anyone complain about people who win the lottery then quit their job. They aren't called lazy. They aren't criticized for being rich. Because a lot of citizens would do the same thing, as well as eventually lose most of the money because of their mindset. But there is a stigma around being on benefits and immigrants - maybe because these tax payers think THEIR money is going to these people. Now, I am 100% of the view that taxation is theft, and should be abolished without question. But man, the way some people carry on about their taxes, it's as if they pay millions of pounds in tax. And the ignorance some people have over becoming an entrepreneur or being a professional footballer is astounding, I could go on about that in a separate post. 

There's another aspect of projection that I would like to talk about, that is quite popular in spiritual and self help circles. That is, that aspects of another that you don't like is a reflection of something within you. I think that's true up to a point, but not always. It just depends on the topic and situation. There's certain things such as lying, any sort of abuse, theft, greed and violence that should be an absolute no in anyone's book. There's also certain things that can be very triggering where it's possibly worth going deeper within to explore your own emotions around the subject. My biggie is false accusation or unfair treatment - if someone accused me of a crime I didn't commit, I would probably lose it. Unfortunately, this does happen and doesn't help people who have been genuinely wronged. 
There are other aspects of a person's character, such as laziness, moaning, short temper, anger or lateness that can trigger an aspect of ourselves. I'm not an expert on this subject matter at the moment so I am not going to go into great detail, but - to say that getting annoyed at something is always a reflection of an unhealed aspect of you, is a little dangerous in my opinion. 

Peace 

Three months to go until the big 5-0 .. lessons learnt in 2024

My goodness, this life has gone quick. 

The 17 years that I was up north absolutely flew by. 

I don't usually give too much meaning to age numbers, even though I like birthdays. This particular birthday, I'm not sure if I'll truly feel like celebrating. 

Life absolutely broke me this year. 2024 has been a brutal year; so many people have gone through huge challenges. I'm no expert on astrological and energetic matters but there must have been something in the air the last few months.  

At the end of the tunnel there has been good and unexpected things happen for me; also there is the possibility of a new job which could see me move to a place I really love; nothing set in stone yet but I'm feeling optimistic. Sometimes there is a gut feeling about something - I had another job interview but I kind of knew I wouldn't get it. 

The biggest lessons I have taken are: 

Letting life lead or letting my higher self lead - some of you may have read a book called The Surrender Experiment where the 'hippy' author continually surrenders to life's perfection and ends up running a big IT organisation amongst other things. 

That I need to take small steps - for a long time, I have felt like I am far behind in life - being a late developer is hard and not something I would recommend - especially without suitable support when trying to function in a world that is so not catered for such people. But I continued to get nowhere when trying to get from A to Z.

Not everything is for me - It's easy for me to get entangled in a viewpoint or concept that my friends are into and think it should work for me. But some things just don't. Human Design goes way over my head. Books like The Celestine Prophecy and A Course In Miracles don't float my boat at all. Concepts around masculinity - such as Warrior, Magician, Lover, King - I think are good but they do not completely align with my character. 

That I needed to come to terms with my neurodiversity - Autism has always been a bit of a dirty word for me; still is to some degree, as someone who grew up in a time when it was seen in a negative light and when the needs of people like myself were not understood or catered for. In fact, it's more my ADHD tendencies that impact me day to day. But either way, my brain function is different to the majority of people (although the rate things are going, it will eventually be more common to be neurodiverse - not a good thing in my opinion). I agree with my friend who says a lot of it is brain damage - and yes I do believe my brain has been damaged somewhat. 

That I don't have to like everyone. Nuff said. 

That it's ok to have regrets or wish certain things had never happened - One thing I can't do is change the past. It happened. All I can do is rebuild. Whilst it's obviously possible to build good things from tragic situations - Andy's Man Club being one example (the founder lost his brother in law, called Andy, to suicide) - let's just say that a lot of us would change some of our past if we could. Life sometimes does give you more than you can handle, and that's a fact. 

Perhaps most importantly of all, I have learnt that I have to be true to myself. There have been times when I thought I was being really authentic and living a life that was suitable for me. Now I'm not so sure. Some New Age hippy practices, I'm not sure are for me now. It's so easy to get attached to a set of beliefs in order to fit in. Now, I want to build my tribe of people whose outlook really aligns with the outlook I have now. 

Image courtesy of gettythings.com