Anyone who sets out with the intention of facing their shadow side and says that they never feel like giving up, is telling a lie.
Perhaps everything has caught up with me. I have tried my best to pretend that 'I've got this', but sometimes this journey involves letting go of this magic thing called hope.
It's easy to talk the talk and intellectually believe the things that are supposed to change your life or help you .. but when push comes to shove and it seems like all this inner work is in vain and your dreams and desires seem cast away on a distant ocean .. what do you do then? Live in the now and pretend everything is fine?
And yeah, this desire and craving for love from outside of myself .. never seems to go. Combined with the subconscious belief that I can never have this due to my shortcomings .. the feeling can be very sharp and painful at times and has been probably the biggest inner challenge of my life.
The biggest challenge this year has undoubtedly been loneliness. I made an investment in myself financially which was well out of my comfort zone and has left me with only just enough in the last few months for basic needs and the odd few trips and workshops here and there ... but there has been so much that I haven't been able to do due to financial limitations .. including some activities that are now quite important for my well-being. I doubt I will ever make this level of investment again. It has really affected me and I cannot wait for more freedom again. It is good to be alone at times, but there comes a point where too much aloneness can be a burden.
|Sometimes life can be a bit like .. this?|
My own design using software on my laptop.
Sometimes it seems like there are huge mountains to climb and I don't know how to find the strength to climb them. Part of me enjoys the struggle and suffering - of course it does - and it seems weird that our egos are like this.
Trying my best to not get affected by all the conditioning about what a man is supposed to be .. and kidding myself that I don't care. In a world that suppresses men's emotions practically from birth, it takes strength to stand up and do this inner work. There is a reason why, overall, it's arguably even harder for men to embark on this journey, and emotional suppression and disconnection from the heart is the root cause. This issue has to be tackled as a matter of urgency.
Of course, there are the good times too. It can be hard to see them during a wilderness period of life, which all of us go through. I am grateful for Facebook, as always. I don't know what I would do without this outlet. Grateful for my resilience - without it, I would probably be dead or in a mental hospital at best. Grateful that I have managed to physically connect with my tribe on occasion, even though this has been minimal.